Thursday, January 25, 2018

Tick Tock








This morning I read a piece over on Fondlers Anonymous about 'Time' ..... I left a comment but realized I wanted to write more ..... so here I am!

I almost always did what was expected of me -- or maybe to be fair -- I did what I knew... I got married -- had the 2.5 children -- the house in the burbs -- and was ready to spend my life living a mirror image of my parents.  BUT as my girls got older -- I realized how much I didn't know.  How much I hadn't experienced.  How much I wanted to experience.  I am not proud of ending my marriage -- he was a good man -- just not (unfortunately) the man for me.  

(tick tock tick tock)

I really wanted to experience BDSM -- I REALLY wanted to be a submissive -- to turn my life / my body  over to a Dominant.  To someone who would value me and treat me like some precious gift.

The only problem was the Dominant I found -- he didn't 'get' monogamous. Slave or submissive -- I still believed in monogamy.  He didn't.  And so I ended the relationship in a snit -- figuratively throwing his collar back at him.  

(tick tock tick tock)

I explored the BDSM world on my own.  I met Sir Steve and Sir Kira ........but as my partnership with them ended I realized I wanted someone for me ..... I didn't want to share..... and believe it or not -- I went back to that Dominant who cheated on me......... simple minded me believed IF we defined monogamy -- IF we were both on the same page -- it could work -- it would work!!  I would make it work!!

(tick tock tick tock)


It did work for a bit....... until it didn't work.  I am not proud of the steps I took to get the information that ended the relationship -- I read his messages to other women -- read his emails to other women -- stalked his friends on Facebook.  And finally confronted 2 of my 'friends' about their relationship with him.  Then I confronted him....... and then I moved out.  Monogamy was definitely NOT in his vocabulary.


(tick tock tick tock)

I remember one day sitting in my lil home in Kingston -- reviewing my life.  Realizing living on my own wasn't such a bad thing.  At least my heart was safe...... and I questioned my need to be submissive -- to be 'bossed' around by someone who barely had his life together.  

But as each birthday rolled around I felt older and older -- and I started to feel that the life I had dreamed of was not going to happen.  I was going to be on my own -- probably become the crazy cat lady.

(tick tock tick tock)

And then Sir Steve popped up in my life again.
I didn't recognise myself.  I went after this relationship with a passion.  I didn't weigh the pros and cons of moving to be with him... I didn't over think the relationship... I didn't give a damn how many times my parents rolled over in their graves -- or what my brother would think of me -- or what my girls would think.  I was going to take that big step off the edge and trust he would catch me. 

I am 17 years older than Sir Steve -- more than half my life is over.  I want to squeeze as much living as possible into the time we have together.  I don't want to waste one more minute worrying about what people think...... I want to grab life and live it to the fullest.  I am the best person -- P E R S O N -- I can be with him -- not submissive not slave just ME.  And he is the best person -- P E R S O N -- he can be with me -- not Dominant or domineering or even bossy he's just HIM.

Spending time with Sir Steve -- with the right person -- is a very good thing!

2 comments:

abby said...

Amen!!!! It took me a long time to find M...and an even longer time to trust that it was where I belonged, what I had been longing for...
so happy for both of us...
hugs abby

Fondles said...

Thanks for the mention! Im glad you wrote this. And even happier that you eventually got to where you are, despite all the challenges!

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