Thursday, July 13, 2017
Stop -- Just Stop !
It all kinda came to a head on Wednesday -- the whole bit about the ex -- about my feeling like a cheap nanny..... and Sir Steve stepped in immediately - lined up a babysitter for in town -- so IF I need some time to myself I can have it without guilt -- and there's a woman at the campgrounds who has said if she's there she'll take her for a few hours to give me a break too.....
BUT it was much more than all that ya know....
My need - my desire -- to be perfect - to have everything under control -- to be able to leap tall buildings -- to be able to do everything absolutely everything with no effort (or seeming effort) and I wasn't..... and I was crumbling..
And there is one other HUGE thing........ something I don't talk about -- there is a whacking big age difference between Sir Steve and myself -- like 17 years difference. And I have such a fear that one day Sir Steve is gonna look at me and ask himself what he was doing with such an old woman. BUT if I could do everything -- how could he ever get rid of me. Why would he ever look for someone younger / sexier / prettier ..... better than me? IF I was perfect that is.
BUT I realized that no matter how hard I work to be perfect
No matter how hard I try to please Sir Steve
No matter how hard I try to please the lil one
He could still one day decide he wanted someone younger, prettier, sexier and there is really nothing I can do about that (experience is the best teacher ya know)
AND maybe -- just maybe -- if I am just me and stop obsessing over being this super woman -- this perfect woman -- IF I just relax and be me -- then things might be calmer and happier and definitely a whole lot less stressful.
I have to STOP trying so hard..... just stop it! and let the cards fall where they may right?