Wednesday, May 17, 2017
I came into this relationship with Sir Steve with a whole lot of 'buttons' ....... we've managed to work hard to cut a lot of the strings that fastened them to me....... but every once in awhile I discover another button ....
Last weekend I found a couple of them -- well hidden --
I had followed Sir Steve in my car to a local mall to do a quick stop before we headed off to the campgrounds. I pulled in beside him ...... and my stomach lurched and knotted. The turn into the space had been tight -- and the car was a little bit crooked. It was one of the things that W used to give me grief about - not being perfectly straight in the parking space (and they say I have OCD!!) When I climbed out of the car I checked and was fairly straight and definitely between the yellow lines -- Sir Steve made some comment about my reaction. I later explained to him I had found another 'button' -- the anxiety over parking perfectly straight between the yellow lines. Sir Steve just shook his head and whispered "it doesn't really matter does it?"
Then later during the weekend - there was a conversation about spankings/play time. Sir Steve gave me THAT look -- one I know so well -- that said "all you have to do is ask" ... I walked away from that one. I filled up with tears -- had a brief moment of panic that this relationship was sliding down the same hill as the one with W... where the Dom didn't really want to do the pain part of play -- but would do it to please me. The problem with that is -- I will not relax enough to enjoy it -- the mantra in my head will always be "He's doing it for me -- he does NOT want to do it -- just for me"
I am a masochist -- pain is the fuel that keeps my motor purring. BUT for some reason unless the Sadist playing with me is enjoying it and getting his motor running -- it's a total waste of time. In my warped thinking a Sadist/masochist relationship is very symbiotic relationship. I will not thrive if I am the only one enjoying myself -- I feed off the desire of the Sadist to dole out the pain. For me -- sensing that desire from the Sadist is almost as good (if not better) than the actual pain.