I've had good reason over the last month or so to do some serious soul searching.
I knew after the break up that I had major trust issues.... which is one of the many reasons I have been going to therapy.
I have met and played with a few people over this last year..... didn't much trust any of them. I kept them all at arm's length for the most part.... I was always 'on guard' so to speak. Then I met Hands and my trust levels grew.
I trusted him with my body -- I knew he wouldn't deliberately hurt me. I knew I could trust him to put his hands gently around my neck. I knew I could trust him to push my comfort zones.
BUT my heart -- well -- no -- just no -- I wouldn't let him go near my heart.
I have been doing a lot of thinking since the weekend about my trust levels -- and my heart. My heart hurts ya know. I think it is straining against the walls I have put up to protect it.
I realize I am fighting with my heart. It wants to trust again -- it wants to open up and let people in again. But my head ........ my head is screaming.... "NO NO NO" because I can't be hurt again -- not like I was. I don't think -- honestly don't believe -- that I will be able to survive another blow to my heart.
How much time does it take -- how much consistency does it take -- for my heart to be free to trust again??