And then my reality shifted yet again. The times with Hands and CG came to an abrupt end. And the yellow brick road stretched ahead of me.........
(I have mentioned here a little of this story -- referring to the Sadist as my long lost friend. From here on he will be "LLF" )
LLF started messaging me every morning early -- before I left for work. We would chat during lunch. We would chat more in the evenings. He would push me to ask questions freely -- to voice my opinion -- to ask for things I wanted. I dug in my heels. I searched for my words -- I held on tight to my fears. He would say to me - repeatedly when he sensed my withholding / withdrawing - "what is my name?!" and I would smile knowing he was trying to get me to see HIM -- not any of the others who have been in my life in the last 7 years.
Slowly - tentatively - I talked about my fears...... I took a big breath and told him I was scared because the feelings from 7 years ago were back. And he quietly told me he had the same feelings. He told me 7 years ago when we parted ways he had had strong feelings for me too. I never knew.
He would say "I promise" and I would gulp and whisper to my computer -- "don't say THAT -- don't ever say that!" because promises are made to be broken..... and when promises are broken it hurts a lot !
He started checking out munches around Kingston and one night I took a deep breath and asked if he had any idea when we would see each other again. Truthfully expecting a vague 'I don't know - we'll see"
His answer was " Seriously I don't know -- but am thinking the weekend after next" -- Just two weeks. I only had to wait two weeks. But there was a little voice in my head that said 'we'll see -- he probably won't come -- something will happen'.
Our evening chats run the gamut of topics -- sometimes light and teasing -- other times serious and deep. He has prodded and exposed some of my weaknesses - he has held me close when I struggle with my old ways of thinking/doing. And the two weeks passed quickly.
Last Friday morning LLF sent his usual "good morning" and we chatted .... and I kept waiting for him to say "I hate to tell you this -- but I can't make it this weekend". It didn't come. I couldn't stand the suspense -- so I asked "are you still coming today"?? and his answer -- as strong and reassuring as ever -- "why wouldn't I be?"
Ahead of schedule (well my schedule) he arrived at 6:30 Friday evening. My heart stopped pounding and he wrapped his arms around me pulled me close and kissed me gently and tenderly.
end of chapter 4