Wednesday, January 18, 2017

More thoughts on Poly





I have removed "poly" from my Fetlife profile.... not because I don't believe in it cause I do.  But then I also believe in socialism - on paper.

A lot of things look good in theory.  But in reality -- shrug -- not so much.  

I don't respond well to being lied to -- or finding out someone is cheating on me.  The thing about poly that really appealed to me was that (in my world) there could be no cheating or lying in a poly relationship because the whole thing about poly was other partners - right?

And it meant I didn't have to let anyone 'in'.  I could safely keep everyone at arm's length.  Certainly the relationships I did get involved in were not designed for "love" -- they were designed to fulfill needs.....nothing more.  And that was comfortable for me - that was safe for me.

As this past year has gone along -- I came to realize I was missing some vital ingredients in my life.  I would look at Hands and CG for example and envy them their snuggle times....the hand holding... the deep caring that they shared.  A part of me wanted that ....... for me -- just for me -- not shared.  And I came to realize as long as I was happy /content being the 3rd -- that I was never gonna get my heart's desire.  I came to honestly believe I didn't deserve to find that kind of relationship -- that I wasn't 'lovable'.  I had never felt more broken in my entire life.

What brought these feelings of needing to be snuggled with -- to hold hands....... to be more than a 3rd to someone else's relationship -- to a head was when my 'long lost friend' came to visit two weeks ago.  

We spent a lot of time talking -- reminiscing -- and he put his arm around my shoulders while we watched TV -- and he reached out and took my hand when we were leaving the munch.  

After he left I cried -- because he touched that need inside of me.  He made me look at it straight on.  I know I can't 'settle' anymore ..........not for any superficial need..... I am learning (slowly) I am worth more ........ that I 'deserve' more .........

And that is a very good thing !

1 comment:

Lea said...

Epiphanies like this shake us to our core. Now that you know what you want and need, you've drawn your line in the sand, and with time, you'll find it!