Friday, January 13, 2017
I went to my last therapy session yesterday. My therapist is joining the army -- yeah go figure! I wonder if I broke her (cheeky grin)
She booked me as her last appointment of the day -- so there was no clock watching. We talked a lot about my rose coloured glasses and how I always want my dreams to come true.. and often they don't. And how much it hurts when my dreams disappear into the great beyond.
We touched on something that happened this week -- my relationship with Hands and CG is over. It is for all the right reasons -- but I worry we won't remain friends -- that I have lost a couple of very dear people from my life.
We talked about my fear of letting anyone in to my heart.... my fear of not being able to get through yet another "it's over".
We talked about something I have never been able to put into words before....... it was like a ghost on the fringes of my vision..... I want human touch -- normal touching -- touch that has nothing to do with sex -- or inflicting pain -- I want the soft gentle touch of an arm around my shoulders -- of feeling someone slip their hand into mine and hold it tight.
And we talked about what I deserve -- I have trouble with that concept you know -- that I 'deserve' anything. Someone told me last week that I deserve to feel good........ and it made me cry. My therapist and I talked about those specific tears -- it wasn't sadness -- it was longing ...... longing for something I don't think I have ever really had.......... and dear lord I would like to have it ..... I would like to let down all the remaining walls and reach out .... open up my heart completely .......
When I was leaving her for the last time -- she hugged me so tight - and whispered in my ear -- "if anyone deserves to have someone really care about them - deserves a forever - it is you"
I walked out of her office with tears streaming down my face.