Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Shhhhhhhhh

shhhhhh -- don't talk about it -- don't let anyone know... and I succeed amazingly well ...... most people don't even know I suffer from anxiety -- most of the time I joke about my "lil fears" like getting lost when I am driving.

I rarely mention my panic attacks -- and thankfully they don't happen very often anymore.  I make lists and schedules -- my life is organised like a well ordered military operation -- cause that helps me deal with the anxiety.  I can plan ahead ..... I can cover all the variables..... I can be prepared........ until something happens and throws a spanner in the works.  Yet most of the time now I can handle those little blips in my schedule.  Most of the time I can rationalize it and breath and work my way through it.

Most of the time I know when a panic attack is gonna happen -- before it happens.

Except yesterday 

Yesterday I had to go into town after the gym.  I did fine until I was going to get into my car to come home ...... it's like being hit by a tsunami .......... I could barely walk the few feet to my car.  I got in and locked the doors.  I wanted to be home immediately --  and I couldn't be -- I had to drive.  It felt like my heart was gonna jump out of my chest.  I felt useless and hopeless and the tears were streaming down my face as I started the car and slowly pulled out of my parking space.

I cried all the way home ...... it's such a scary feeling. 

When I finally got home I locked the doors and curled up on the sofa and sobbed.  And I just kept telling myself 'tomorrow will be better -- tomorrow will be better'


4 comments:

Lucinda Preston said...

I'm so sorry. I've had panic attacks myself and they're certainly not fun. I hope all your tomorrows are better ((hugs))

Lilac said...

I understand how you felt helpless in that kind of situation. You might want to try meditating. It will help you calm a lot . :)

morningstar said...

Lilac

Actually I have a whole routine my therapist has taught me to do as I feel one coming on -- yesterday I had no warning -- I was smack dab in the middle of 'dying' before I could do anything -- and once I have a bad one like that there's nothing I can do except hold on till it passes --

Lea said...

I understand this. I have had anxiety attacks for the past 16 years. What helps me for whatever reason is steadily breathing in my nose and out my mouth while feeling my neck for my pulse. Somehow in my head if I can feel my pulse then that means I am still alive and can make it through this.