Thursday, June 02, 2016
It isn't all that surprising that poly fits me ....... I have been friends with poly families for a long time. I have followed poly relationships online forever. It certainly wasn't a new concept for me when I placed the label on myself.
BUT I have seen some real nasty stuff happen in poly relationships too. Enough that it really does surprise me that I have settled into poly.
The other day on Fetlife I read a piece written by a woman who was talking about what can go wrong in a poly relationship. The one thing she said that really struck home with me was - how often women would do anything to devalue the other women in the man's eyes. (I am paraphrasing here) And how do you defend against it - especially if you are being accused of being jealous. IF you try to say that you're not - you sound as though you are. Sorta like something my mother used to say all the time "Me thinks she protests too much"
I have seen poly relationships end - usually with the primary couple firmly in tact - but before the ending there was heart ache and lies and tears and accusations. And then the long period of healing ....... the self recriminations ....... the doubt.
I would never - EVER - want to be the cause of someone else's pain or heartache. I think it would tear me up more than being on the receiving end of such behaviour.
And I have been on the receiving end .. once - a long time ago -- in another life. I remember how hard it was to take the blame for things I never did or said. How hard it was to try and understand how my words got so twisted - so they sounded so ugly. And even harder to understand why I wasn't believed when I denied it.
With time and a whole lot of standing up for myself (definitely NOT second nature) and my obsessive saving of emails... the situation resolved itself. But not without leaving distinct scars on my soul.
I know myself well...... and I know I have grown and changed a lot over the years. I know I let a lot of things slide - I turn a blind eye... a deaf ear and a muted tongue when others would speak up loudly. I know I am not jealous - I don't know why - but I've always said 'if my needs are met then I don't much worry about what my partner does'
Not everyone has that philosophy. Not everyone is willing to share fairly. Not everyone is really truly 'poly' (in my humble opinion).
For me being in a poly relationship is not a competition. It is not about how much one gets over the other. It is not about who does what with whom. It's just about a loving relationship... sharing ... having fun...... laughing and enjoying each other in the time you have together.