Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
Angel and I went shopping on Friday - I am pretty sure I shared that. BUT what I didn't share - cause I have been processing it since then......... when I put on the white sundress and looked in the mirror - the image I saw made me go "wow that is HOT!" but I didn't see ME - I saw a woman in a pretty white sundress that showed her boobs really nicely... the rest of the material skimmed over her body teasingly.
I couldn't understand why I didn't see ME. BUT then I realized there was a little break through - I did see an image I liked............and I accepted it ...... that was a first!!
Then Saturday at the party I didn't hesitate not for a minute when I had to strip off my dress for play. And that was a first.
And again when we were going to do the rope.... and that wasn't in a quiet corner in the back room -- that was in the main room with people sitting all around... and I stripped.
And when the rope was going on it felt different for more than one reason - I felt it against rib bones....... brushing against my hip bones...... and when the camera came out I only had a brief fleeting thought "please don't let me hate these pics!" And at one point I actually looked down at my body wrapped in the rope and I was shocked - I didn't see many bulgy sticky out bits of me...
Then came the big test - when I loaded the pics on my pc and sat down to look at them.
I think I held my breath. I know I flipped through them so fast they barely registered.. I was looking for the fat......... I went back and did it again.. slower this time... and yes I still see more fat than thin.......... BUT there were a couple of pics that reminded me of pics taken long ago - and I went and found them and looked at both ... over and over again... not trusting my eyes....... but I saw a thinner me ........ and it brought tears to my eyes .. I actually saw a thinner me -- finally!!!
It's a small battle won against this eating problem I have been fighting since Christmas.
One small battle is not the war - but it is something! My "exercise coach" has been telling me to give the exercise time - that it will start to show.... and I am having more confidence now that he is right...... that one day soon - just like with the weight loss - I will start to see the muscles tightening up... and more definition in my body shape.... and I am hoping that when that day comes - I will have won the battle with this eating problem!