Ten months ago I started this Journey to lose weight. I really struggled - REALLY!
I joined a gym and had anxiety attacks nearly every time I went in the door. At first I could only go a maximum 3 times a week. Slowly I was able to up it to 4 then 5 times a week.
I tried the classes - Yoga and Aerobics - but I came to hate them both. I don't DO groups well not at all. And it didn't help that my personal life was falling apart and I really had no support to help me struggle through it.
So I stopped all the groups. I would go into the gym - almost slinking in... make my way to a treadmill - get on - set the time and speed and walk. And walk, And walk. Most of the time I didn't see anyone around me - didn't see anyone come or go. I just walked. I shut everything out around me. When my hour was up I would slink out - barely acknowledging the folks at the front door.
Eventually the weight started to drop - and it gave me incentive to go to the gym. I still didn't like it - and felt so much like a fish out of water - but I went 5 days a week and I walked 50,000+ steps in those 5 days each week.
Now I am down 50 pounds and I hardly recognise my body - well ok I don't recognise it and don't much like what I do see. Daddy Dom convinced me to start using the weight machines to tighten up/tone the muscles.
BUT machines are almost worse than the classes I took. The treadmills and bikes and elliptical machines are lined up in rows in front of the machines - so they become an audience watching.
I tried last week to use some of the machines - and it was awful, Mid week I booked an appointment with a trainer. He had 6 clients at once. He wrote out a routine for each of us and gave us a "cooks tour" of the machines. And that was it.
Tuesday I went to the gym with my fresh new routine tightly gripped in my hand. I couldn't slink into the gym anymore and hide on a treadmill in the back. Now I was front and center.
AND I couldn't read his writing - and he didn't put machine names down that matched the names on the machines! I was lost. I asked and got some direction....... but I felt like I was in a fog. I went from machine to machine trying very hard not to look left or right .. just get it done and get out.
And then I came to "reverse pull down" I stood looking at the machine and couldn't figure out how it worked - and for some stupid reason didn't even look at the pretty pictures pasted on it. I just sat down and started working. Suddenly I realized I was facing the man on the machine in front of me........... and I shouldn't have been. He smiled at me and when he finished his rep he stopped and waited. When I finished my rep he said to me " You do know you are sitting backwards on that machine eh?" I know I blushed to the roots of my hair. NO I didn't know.. and there is no "cool" way to get up and turn around and start over.
Yesterday I went to the gym to the bloody machines again. Yesterday was lower body day. I really struggled through it. I HATED it with every fiber of my body. But I did it.
IF I could get through 10 months of treadmill and 50 pounds - I can and WiLL get through this too..... but I really HATE it!
A few weeks back The Sadist said to me - "A true masochist. Self inflicting pain, torture and mental anguish....all quite publicly at the gym. Keep smiling," His words came back to me yesterday as I faced the monsters that are the machines and the all the faces on the treadmills and I muttered a couple of 4 letter expletives I am nothing if not a true masochist!