Monday, February 01, 2016
What a weird weekend it was!!
And I am trying to figure out what happened..........
First I had nothing planned to do this weekend (except go to the gym) so I spent pretty much the whole weekend inside in the dark and gloom (no sunshine in any way)
I roamed around the net - binge watched a Debbie Downer detective series on Netflix - and basically just tried to pass the days.........
I have been getting a fair amount of private messages from "dummie doms" on Fetlife. Mostly I blow them off ........ for any number of reasons. But I had 3 on the weekend who were amusing and made me laugh - so I continued messaging them. None of them had any chance of actually meeting me ,....... again for any number of reasons - but mostly age. I have a rule - I don't DO Doms who are younger than my children!!
On Sunday morning early I got friend requests from 2 of the Doms - by then I figured why not - they seem sane enough and (I kept thinking)they make me laugh.
Sunday afternoon I got a message from a dear friend (Dom) wanting to know who so and so was ...... he had sent a private message to him asking if he was interested in some pretty explicit sexual behaviours and would he be interested in doing them with him............. WTF??!!! My friend suggested that this CREEP had used my friend's list to send out messages - sort of like trolling........... I sat here and shook.
I sent him one last scathing message and blocked him. Then I posted a note warning my other friends about him...... (not much else I could do) and then I contemplated taking down my FL account - crawling into a hole somewhere and refusing to come out!
Even emails with special friends seemed to be dark and foreboding - in one way or another ........ I so wanted just a little sunshine in a miserable weekend - you know what I mean???
Being me - I let my voices come out to chatter in my ear..... They started in with why i am alone - all the reasons ............ and that I would always be alone......... and then amazingly enough I stopped them! (yes mini me - I actually stopped them!!) I remembered I have a munch coming up on this Friday - I have a date with someone fun for the munch - I have friends who want to be with me and find me fun and entertaining..
But to continue with the weird and wonderful downer weekend - I had a discussion of sorts via email with someone about poly relationships....... In the past I have wondered if I could DO poly - find the connection I need in one...... the more we chatted the more I realized I could not DO poly in the every day sense of the word. OH I could understand a partner's need for poly - and probably could handle his being poly...... but for me?? nope couldn't do it........... I don't think I would ever feel right about being with someone else - playing with someone else - fucking someone else - (shaking head) I guess it's just not in my make-up.
Friends of mine have 'fuck buddies' and yes I have toyed with that
idea too - but in my heart of hearts - no matter how much I toy with the idea - it's just not me!
By Sunday night all I could think when I crawled into bed - was somehow I got left behind........ everyone else seems so....... I don't know ...... modern??? They seem to have all the answers ........ and I am left behind like a little girl crying tears of sadness because she doesn't understand 'the rules' (as I have always called it ) rules to a game I will probably never be able to play.