Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Finding my bits and pieces Again!


I am remembering why this "dating" thing - this "playing well with others" thing was hard many years ago............. and I guess in some ways I am running backwards while I am moving forwards............ 

The date I had on Friday was a play date - with dinner thrown in - and then more play.  

HARD PLAY 

Long Play

Fun play 

I trust him enough now - to really let go  -- to let my fairies come and coax me out to play......... to let go completely and totally.......... not an easy thing for me to do..... but i trust him that much.

When we went to the munch (dinner) I was quite truthfully as high as a kite.  Mini me said it was like I was a little drunk - I was in good form ........ another friend whispered in my ear "have you been playing this afternoon" .... so yeah I was that high on endorphins.

AND

it wasn't over ........ 

There was more play after we got home from the munch.

HARD PLAY

Long Play

Fun Play.

And in that moment - when the endorphins are coursing through my blood - and my mind is just mush ...... there are no warning bells - no common sense - no judgement - all my inhibitions are down ..............and sometimes I ask for ........... beg for........push my limits - test me - push push push!!

And when it's over - 
when all the hard play is done 
when all the long play comes to an end
when all the fun is over 

He leaves.

And I am left to ground myself........ to piece myself back together.  

It used to be that way - years and years ago........... and then I wasn't alone and it wasn't really a problem.  The day or two after  -- when I questioned myself - called myself names - put myself down ....... W was there to hold me and hug me and soothe me and help me put the pieces back together.....

AND yes I play THAT hard!

It's hard sometimes when you are alone - to find all those tiny pieces that got knocked about and dislodged - to find them and stick 'em back in........... 

hot baths and meditation and soothing music and even chocolate works - until it doesn't.  And the monsters inside are still walking all over my soul............. and I feel lost and confused.

AND I know - this IS what I want - I want to play nicely with others - lots and lots of others.......

AND I know I want to let go - I want to push my limits -- I want to embrace those monsters and defy them  -- I want - NO -- I NEED to play hard and long - I need to feel drained and marked and hurting when it is over.  

I NEED THAT !!


Cause whether I like to say the word or not.......... I am a masochist!
 

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