Tuesday, February 02, 2016

Evolving and trust


I have had this blog entry rolling around in my head for a while now..... I want to try and get it out there....... (if for no other reason than it won't be rolling around in my head anymore)

Since moving here I have been aware of a number of "Daddy Doms and baby girls"  At first I didn't get it....... these baby girls weren't 20 somethings - hell they weren't even 30 somethings...... I could not see myself running around in pigtails dragging stuffed animals behind me.

NOW I have always been aware of a "lil girl" buried inside of me - she's the one who comes out after a hard play session - BUT she's mainly the brat who deflects attention away from myself or difficult situations - the brat gets the laughs - but the real lil girl - no she hasn't ever fully appeared.  It's like she has been my secret for all these years.  

Awhile back at a munch I met a couple for the first time.  I assumed they were Dom/sub.  BUT no - she was a lil girl.  Yet she acted normally - dressed normally ....... and yet a "lil girl".  I stared at them all night long.  I was fascinated - where were the silly stuffed animals - the pigtails ??? 

Then I have come across writings on Fetlife about "baby girls" and for the most part I shut them down almost as soon as I opened them...... cause I don't DO silly lil girl with stuffies and confetti and soothers - and god forbid DIAPERS!  Then I read one that talked about being a lil girl - who didn't throw confetti or suck on soothers - or do any of the other things "baby girls" seem to do.  She didn't call it "baby girl" she called it "lil girl" and a lot of what she wrote really resonated with me.

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One night - a while back - my quiet night time voice, whispering in my ear, said the word "Daddy" ... my back stiffened - my mind jolted - my breath caught in my throat.   WHY would he use that term??? He whisperingly asked if the "lil girl" would come out to play.

I did a lot of thinking about that.  SHE has been MY secret - how did he root her out?? How did he know/sense???

I wasn't sure - she was mine after all - no one had been allowed to see her!!!  I wasn't sure....... was she safe with him??? 

 I kept thinking "trust" I have to trust again....... and he was coaxing me to "walk completely through the door - completely" and I knew what he meant.  (nodding yeah I knew what he meant!!) 

I had a long drive to Montreal a week or so ago - and this is gonna sound totally and completely insane - but I had a "talk" with the little girl.  Did she want to come out.... did she trust him enough??? AND the answer back was - she trusted me.  So it was up  to me - did she come out to play (at appropriate times) with him - or did I keep her hidden away.

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I had one major concern - lil girl could be a trigger - and did I want to scare the hell out of him IF she actually was a trigger??? I decided to adopt a wait and see attitude....... After all it might not happen - I have come a long way past those old days - and deep down inside - where the lil girl lives - she told me not to worry ......... 
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Trust kept running through my head the day I was to see him again.  Was I going to
let the lil girl come out??? I won't go into details - because I promised I wouldn't DO details here ...... BUT the lil girl did come out......... and there were no triggers!!  and the woman that is me was given permission to not have to know everything..... when the woman got stuck and was stressed/frightened she would disappoint  - the lil girl came out to play.  The curious playful lil girl got to explore and laugh and enjoy .........

He made it a safe playground - a safe place to explore - He made me feel capable and pleasing and complete.  And the lil girl and the woman called him "Daddy" easily - and comfortably.  

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As each day goes by - as each meeting happens - my trust grows - my respect grows - and the two personae that were me are slowly becoming one........ 
I am evolving and learning to trust again............ who knew that could happen??? I guess he did! 

1 comment:

Lea said...

I find myself in a similar space. I have what I call a "little" inside me. But not a baby. And I don't use Daddy. But I like to be able to retreat to little, to a bit of brattiness. Maybe to protect myself. Maybe to feel completely cared for, safe, secure, and without responsibility.