Monday, February 22, 2016
I didn't expect to be writing about this this morning....... but having spent the last couple of days over on FL reading all these words about "demi sexual" (still really don't GET that one) and casual sex............ I have been squirming a bit. My old fear of being "the slut" started to rear it's nasty head.
BUT I think I may have a little different definition of casual sex then over 'there'. In my entire life (which I might add is a wee bit longer than most of the writers) I have only ever had 1 one night stand....... which was awful!! (ok ok it landed up being 2 nights cause I wanted to see if I was right in my opinion - and I was!) but still I consider it a one night stand..............
I don't do hook ups or booty calls (honestly I don't think I would know how) and I never had a "fling". (which translates for me as cheating on a partner)
WHAT I do do - is play with a lot of people. PLAY - never involved sex on my part.
I spent many - MANY - years taking care of my own sexual needs (for whatever reason) and honestly never expected I would be welcoming a male body back into my bed.
But things change - NO I changed. I dipped my toe into the "dating pool" and yanked it back like something bit me (well something did in a way - if you remember the "Frog" blog I wrote) and I flip flopped between "screw this" to "ok one more try"... and loads of guilt about feeling slutty. (and I wasn't even sleeping with these guys - not through lack of trying on their parts....it just didn't feel right - ya know what I mean??? )
Then I met someone - a nice someone. Someone who took some time (ok ok not a lot - but some time) getting to know me. I felt something - lust??? chemistry?? a connection???
I do know he touched something very deep inside of me....... he found my lil girl and coaxed her out to play. It took a HUGE amount of trust on my part to bring that side of me out - to trust someone with something as precious and fragile as "my lil girl"
He never lied to me - he never "promised me a rose garden" (grinning) ... he doesn't even talk in forever language ....... and he told me up front - at the very beginning he was "poly".
I really like being with him...... he makes me smile and makes most days seem warm and full of sunshine.
BUT Poly was always there whispering in the back of my mind...... poly the dreaded "I can't do poly!"
BUT then as luck would have it - or karma - or something........ I started to understand something....... compartmentalizing stuff...... over here I have "Daddy Dom" who comes and nurtures the lil girl and the woman and makes me smile and laugh and yeah sometimes even giggle. He allows me to play with my sexuality - to find what makes me comfortable - he has opened doors and let me peek through to see what it COULD be like in the real grown up world of relationships and sexuality - and the lil girl (and the woman) have peeked and not run screaming in the other direction.
And .. over here I have "Angel" my bestie - and who knew at my age I would find - for the first time ever - a "bestie"??? -- someone who wants to laugh with me and talk with me - help me find my way through these mine fields called relationships that confuse me and fluster me and sometimes leave me feeling stupid and naive. And she has given me a gift in return - she is opening up to me - letting me see inside her walls that keep her safe. And dear god I feel so blessed - so loved - so special to have a friend like Angel......
But over here - way back in the dark is yet another side of me - the side that scares me most I think. The side I have never embraced and have had great difficulty acknowledging........... the masochist side of me - the side that needs a Sadist - a real live Sadist. Someone who doesn't give a shit about the lil girl - or the woman who is loving having a bestie......... the Sadist wants only the beast inside - the primal - oh hell let's say the word - who wants the masochist - the PROUD masochist.,
Yesterday my Angel wrote something on FL - like anyone who writes journals - she writes for herself - and like anyone reading journals - often times we find something that speaks to US. The last line in her writing said
You're not broken baby. You're beautiful.
and the pieces started to fall in to place and click together.
I will embrace the lil girl and trust the Daddy Dom to keep her safe and to teach her to play and not be frightened....... and who will - I hope - teach her to trust and open her heart - and he will nurture her and take her heart in his hands gently and lovingly and not drop it.
I will laugh and talk and learn with Angel - and hopefully she from me...
And The Sadist - well one day he will teach me to fully embrace the masochist that is me.
Phew - are you confused yet?? I started talking about casual sex and landed up talking about poly - but hang on I haven't tied it all together yet (and I am gonng try to!!)
First - NO - I am not having sex with Angel - but on one hand the closeness I have with Angel is truly better than any sex a man OR woman could give me...... 'cause I know Angel is a "forever" relationship.
Daddy Dom well (cheeky grin) we play with floggers and whips and chains oh my!! and yeah we have sex - wild wonderful sex - and the lil girl claps her hands and laughs and isn't afraid of it anymore and the woman is learning from the lil girl that it IS ok to have sex and have fun having sex - and it doesn't have to be forever - it can be for now..... however long now is...........
And The Sadist - well - he's primal - and definitely not a forever guy....... and he's over there in the black box - with time and patience he may too teach me to laugh and embrace the monster that is masochism............
So I think - no I BELIEVE - I do not do casual sex....... I don't do one night stands - I don't have flings -
I believe I have connections with people who are wonderful caring individuals who I cherish and hold very close to my heart.
I am NOT a slut! I am not broken - and my favourite bit of all
"YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL"