Thursday, January 21, 2016
So - after the "dear john" email - I had a little meltdown. Not a big ONE - but still had one.........
I have voices in my head - everyone who has ever had an influence on my life sits in the back of my head - and from time to time they talk - and talk - and talk to me. Some of the things they say " you aren't good enough....... you're not pretty enough .... WHAT were you thinking?? ..... you can't do THAT... good girls don't.............. " I am sure some of you know what I mean ......
Most times the voices are quiet - but sometimes they yell at me - over and over.
My worst fear - my whole life - has been "being seen as or called " a slut. That was the biggest threat I had to deal with when I was growing up...... if you have sex with a man everyone will see you as a slut. You won't ever find a man to marry. It always felt as though if I had sex a bolt of lightening would come out of the sky and strike me dead ...... SEX was bad!! (which is the reason I was a virgin when I got married)
So I went into this later in life dating with the same principals.... you date - you find a good man - you do NOT have sex. (and for the record I have NO intentions of ever getting married - or having someone live with me - but a partner would be nice)
Except all the men seemed to want to have sex. And I have never seen myself as very sensual - or sexy looking - and yes I will admit - suddenly having all these men finding me sexy - appealing was a little (NO a BIG) ego booster. I had lost all this weight and was feeling more confident - and now these men - I was feeling hot and sexy and dear god no one prepared me for this.......
I was so thrilled with the toothbrush date because I had never done it before.. and yes - on Saturday driving home I knew it wasn't gonna go any further - he definitely wasn't my "forever" guy............ but I thought we had had a good time together ..... and maybe occasional dates would still happen.
BUT I was not prepared to be told it hadn't worked - no chemistry !!! At first it didn't bother me much - BUT - once it sank in - the voices started in my head. "You are a slut" " a slut!!!" oh and my favourite - "you aren't very good in bed - you can't give blow jobs " and suddenly my confidence hit rock bottom.
And I think the worst part was the fact that I had told so many friends that i was going on this overnight sleep over. AND they were gonna see me as a slut - cause that's what happens when you do THAT. I was going to loose their respect ....... it broke my heart. AND there was nothing to do about it - but crawl into my nice safe little shell and hide.
But my friends didn't let me crawl too far into that shell - the sweetest comment came from "mini me" who knew what was happening in my head - and left a message saying "I don't want to talk to the voices - I want to talk to morningstar" it made me smile.
Today I am feeling more at peace with myself. The weekend taught me that I LOVE fucking - my libido is higher than ever - and I am starting to realize I have every right to enjoy sex - and as long as I am careful (grinning) I won't die from having lots of sex!! and no bolt of lightening will come out of the sky and strike me dead.
Someone out there will appreciate me for who I am.......... not just what my cunt can do ........... and if not??? well I will enjoy myself - laugh and play and have fun - and try very hard not to listen to my voices!!! AND with any luck I will find someone who actually wants to spank me and do all those kinky things I love and see as a form of foreplay........... ummm yes now that would be perfect!!