I went to dinner with friends on Saturday night. I felt really good about me - I knew in my heart of hearts I looked good and because inside I knew that - I carried myself with pride and confidence. I was happy and bratty (my old self peeking out). I was brave and stayed later than I have in a long long time. And I might have even flirted a little bit (shocked look!)
When I was driving home in the snow (ugh!) in the dark - my thoughts took over. I had a 3rd date coming up on Sunday - a fun one. We were supposed to go on a photo shoot. He was gonna take me down the back roads - show me things I hadn't seen - take me to an old old cemetery. But on the drive home my old voices started talking to me.... doing all the old dialogue... killing my self assurance - my confidence.
By Sunday morning I couldn't do it....... couldn't go on the 3rd date. So I emailed and cancelled with a very lame excuse. All day I felt bad. I don't do lies - even white ones - well. And I was questioning why - the real why - I had cancelled - the real why I feel myself pulling back - making excuses why I shouldn't be seeing him.
On Saturday night a couple of good friends told me "just fuck him enjoy it - and go home" I am not sure I can do that - just fuck someone and walk away........ well maybe I could if I thought I was a good fuck - but you see - after all these years I have lost all confidence in myself (and yeah I know I have probably talked about this before) ....... But you see - IF I believe I am a poor lay why would I let someone see that side of me?? Why would I let myself be that vulnerable again??!! It's so much easier to run away........ throw up the walls and run away.
Now I think I understand why both my therapist and my doctor said it is too soon to be trying to find someone to replace W....... there are too many wounds still that need to heal - still a mess of work to do on my confidence.................
I don't know what I am going to do............ right now I could just let sleeping dogs lie - not call him - not email him - and just let it die a natural death.............. BUT then I'll always wonder if I could have ........ fucked him........... without disappointing him too badly - ya know???
Anyway - enough self examination - time for another Christmas picture - to keep the mood somewhat light and fun................