Somehow it seems wrong to have anger during the holiday season - and on my Christmas blog............... but it's there deep down inside of me ... and no matter how hard I fight to suppress it - to bury it - every once in a while it bubbles up and out.
Yesterday was one of those days. It started when I was at the gym - on the treadmill. The treadmill can be my best friend or my worst enemy. I have an hour to think. (walking on a treadmill is a pretty mindless exercise ) And I could feel the anger bubbling up........... even after the good weekend I had... even after the steady improvements I have been feeling in my moods... ANGER still sneaks up on me.
I was walking along on the treadmill - when my internal voices started "talking" to me. I could hear his voice saying "she is walking out on me" ............ then my therapist's voice warning me "he's probably telling folks you walked out and left him" ............. and then a comment I read this weekend by him that said "she walked out on me"
I really did try to rationalize those words. After all I DID technically walk out. BUT from where I sit it wasn't a sudden decision.... it was a long time coming and probably one of the hardest decisions I ever made. I did NOT want "to walk out on him". I started in March trying to heal the rift - trying to find the problem and fix it. In June I told him that I was so unhappy I was apartment hunting - and tearfully begged him to work with me to make it better - to find a compromise. In August I realized if I didn't do something I was gonna be a basket case.... and so yes I found an apartment and I left.
BUT I don't consider it "walking out " ......... walking out to me is no warnings no efforts to save the relationship - just packing up and walking out.
Maybe if he said "she left me" that would feel less judgmental. "Walked out" sounds so cold hearted.............so unloving. AND trust me I loved him so much it broke my heart to pack up and say goodbye. and YES I did say goodbye - if you 'walk out' on someone in my stupid mind - you don't say goodbye. You turn your back and walk out the door - slamming it behind you. I didn't slam any doors - and I cried as I walked out the door.
I am coming to realize there is leaving someone and leaving someone. I believe he left me - walked out on me - long before I physically left him. Back in February he was on dating sites - finding new women - taking them gifts of intimate apparel - visiting them - having coffee with them........... and then "playing with them" while I sat at home feeling sick and heart broken and blaming myself for not being good enough!
Hearing him say " she walked out on me" really does make my blood boil. I did NOT walk out -- I left him - broken hearted - broken spirited - broken.