Monday, November 02, 2015
Personally I HATE roller coasters - always have - and I expect I always will. I avoid them like the plague -- but sometimes life sticks you on one - straps you in -- and the most you can do is hang on for dear life and hope the ride will end soon and you can get off on wobbly legs.
On Friday the weekend looked like a good one. On Saturday I was going to the Halloween luncheon that the building owners hold every year. From what I see this is a very social apartment building - from exercise classes twice a week - coffee and cake on Wednesdays - to halloween parties and Christmas parties and god only knows what else. The luncheon was impressive! The two building managers spent god only knows how much time and energy making platters and platters of halloween themed food. I certainly appreciated the work they did. The other tenants were .......... interesting I have to say. One greeted me with "Where is your costume?" that almost sent me scurrying back to my apartment - but there were others who welcomed me and were friendly. I even got talked into joining the "games group" and will be going to my first Euchre game this evening.
Sunday mini me came for lunch. I was up early tidying up the apartment and making a quick / easy lunch of open faced sandwiches and salad. We had a great time (as we always do) catching up on each other's news and mid afternoon we went off to visit other friends who have just moved. All in all a great Sunday.
Sunday evening alone again in my apartment I was browsing the net..... went on Fetlife and read an excellent piece about the difficulties of recovering from a broken relationship/broken heart. I could see myself in her writing (of course any writing about a broken heart speaks to me) Then I noticed a "friend" had liked a picture W put up......... a picture of his building a "play room" complete with cross / spanking bench and floggers hung on the wall.
I went from quietly content and happy to angry .. to knots in my stomach.. to feeling tossed by the road side - to feeling that I'd been lied to again!!! That bloody emotional roller coaster again............. how I hate it !!!
I kept running over and over in my head how he told me he didn't have BDSM in him anymore (even though I found out / knew he was playing with other women even before I left) and yet he is building a play room !!! I could see (in my mind's eye) lil subbie subs lining up to play in the room........ and the ugly question why wasn't I good enough??!! and the downward spiral again dragging me down down down........... and the internal dialogue screaming at me "I am not good enough - not sexy enough - too old - too demanding - too too too..................... " the list is endless.
When I say this healing process is gonna be a long road -- it really is -- gonna be a long long long ride on the emotional roller coast