Fear

I had a wonderful weekend - really good weekend!  I felt comfortable in my own skin - my head was clear - my heart beat normally - I was excited about the future.

And then dusk came on Sunday and the fear started to slowly creep in.

A line from a television show I watched this week kept running over and over in my head.  "You may have all kinds of support/friends.  BUT at night when you lay your head on the pillow - all you have is you"   It spoke to me cause that is what I am living.  No matter how many friends I have  -- how much support I have from friends and family - the bottom line is  -- when I go to bed at night - I am all I have.

I have my cancer test this week.  AND I am scared... really scared.  I don't want to go alone - I don't want to sit alone - get the results alone - face the results alone.  I have thought about all sorts of alternatives.............. even him.  BUT I realized that even if I asked him - even if he agreed - it wouldn't be the same.  I would still be alone at the end of the day to face ...... whatever.... by myself.

That's one of the things that hurts the most I think........... I thought we would support each other - through thick and thin - sickness and health - forever.  Like everything else it was all a lie - an illusion.................

and it hurts.

The fear hurts.

Maybe one day I will find the ladder to climb out of the hole that is fear.