Thursday, October 15, 2015

Hangin in

I don't know when it happened - but I do believe I have become a hypochondriac. 

Three weeks ago I called to make my yearly appointment with the doctor for my "check up"  Three weeks ago I was fine - in fact so fine I had forgotten it was time for my yearly.  Since I made the appointment I have developed a list of ailments that I am sure I am dying from - from pains in my legs (especially when I go to the gym on the treadmill) - my body seems to get chilled easily - to the bone - I don't feel like eating -  I have pains in my stomach - I have pains in my joints - I get tired so easily ................. I don't want to go anywhere because what if I get worse??? What if... what if... what if... and logically I know that's all it is - a bunch of what if's............ 

When people ask how I'm doing - I say "fine" with a big smile - I LOVE living alone - I love my apartment - I love life - cause who wants to hang around with someone who is always complaining or feeling ill - or is miserable - Happy people attract friends - not sad/grumpy/complaining people.  But the truth of the matter is it is getting more and more difficult for me to get dressed and actually leave the apartment ..... I feel safe here behind the locked closed doors.  AND I know that is wrong - just so wrong on so many levels!!!

I don't know what the answer is - don't know what will pull me out of this funk I seem to have fallen into - but I do have to find a way out ... I want to wake every morning with a joy and excitement and joie de vivre that I seem to have lost.......... somewhere between packing everything up in Montreal - moving to Kingston - and then moving here to my lil apartment.  I've lost it and I need to find it !!!

 

2 comments:

selkie said...

oh honey- you are being SO hard on yourself! To me, what in essence you are experiencing right now, is a period of mourning. A long-term, what you thought was forever relationship has ended - and harshly - and cruelly. It will take time for your mind, body, soul to process the emotions engendered by that - for you to recover spiritually. I think it important to be aware - as you are - of the potential to cocoon to the point of danger - but because you are aware - I don't think that will happen. You are allowed to nestle into what feels like a safe place and allow your body, mind and soul to process your emotions. I believe, truly, that with time and that incredibly fighting spirit of yours, you WILL eventually make your way through the dark tunnel into the light. xoxoxox

AngelsQuest said...

I'll help in whatever way I can. Maybe we can help each other.