Tuesday, July 14, 2015
There is so much noise going on in my head - it hurts - deafens - distracts me.
Some days are ok around here - just ok....
But my emotions are still going up and down - worst than a roller coaster. Some days it feels as though nothing has changed - BUT they have changed .........drastically.
I think maybe?? our still sharing the same bedroom - same bed - is playing games with my head.... Maybe ??? he should move to the other room - with his furniture and his clothes.. and his stuff....... maybe??
Maybe his still giving me little gifts is fucking with my head.....the MG insigna - the bracelet - the panda..... maybe???
And when he suggests how I should do something.... I have to learn it's not a criticism - I don't have to "obey" anymore and I most certainly don't have to feel guilty because I don't do it his way..........maybe??
I know everyone (friends and family) are waiting for me to move out........ and I keep thinking about it........ but then I panic - what if I can't make ends meet?? Do I have to move to some area of the city that I don't know - into a cheap apartment - cut back even more to have freedom - to please everyone waiting for me to do IT....... ??? maybe I should ........ and damn the consequences maybe??
Maybe I should grow a backbone and ask for the money he promised me so I can try to move out - and on with my life ....... maybe??
I think I need to learn to communicate better - to tell HIM what I need...... mostly space I think (right now) ........ and I need to learn he isn't mine any more - and can come and go and do things he wants without my judging or becoming upset......... after all - it's HIS life right ? not mine and he isn't asking me to do those things right??
And I keep thinking - if it wasn't for Him I would never have moved here ........... I would have looked/investigated and I would have realized that I couldn't possibly afford to live here........ not on my own.. by myself. And now - between cancer doctors and friends and loving the city - I don't want to move ......... anywhere.
At the beginning I didn't want things to change - and he said they wouldn't ........BUT they had to change didn't they ??? So maybe now it's time for some forward motion -