Monday, April 27, 2015

Tired






Tomorrow is my surgery.  They are gonna take out the entire lining of my uterus and then take pictures of the inside of the uterus (god how I HATE having my picture taken - cheeky grin) and then hopefully discover what is causing this reversal of my menopause.

Sounds simple right - routine almost.  The surgery will take 15 - 20 minutes then I will be in recovery for 2 - 4 hours.  Then I can come home.

Then I can wait and wait and wait some more while they collect all the test results.  And then maybe an answer.

I am so scared they are going to say the dreaded "H" word - hysterectomy.  I don't know why - and it's really stupid cause 20 some years ago I begged them to take out my uterus when I had some problems and they said I was too young.  Now when it looms as a possibility I am terrified.  For some reason I am tying my  uterus to my femininity - to what makes me a woman.  And I have this massive fear that I will be damaged goods if they take it out.. a non-functioning woman.... that it will affect my sex drive and my orgasms ........ all of it............ which is REALLY stupid as no one has used me sexually in so long I forget what it feels like.  AND if I go back to using my vibrator and I don't work anymore - am broken - who will know right??? It's not like the men are lining up around the block to fuck me - not this old woman - so what does it matter right??

Except it does.  

I am so tired of feeling old - cast aside - not wanted or needed anymore.  



 

5 comments:

dolly bag said...

Hope all goes well

Hil said...

Morningstar I feel for you, and want to say that the crazy feelings about the loss of femininity were exactly the same as I felt when having an endometrial ablation myself. This was done to fix other problems which were themselves giving me no end of trouble but yet it felt so final, so overwhelming sad to lose, the completely theoretical possibility, to have more babies (and I already have 4 so I'm not lacking there). That core part of my abilities as a woman was going and I was shocked to find that I was pretty much grieving for a totally ridiculous organ that I didn't need and was making me sick. Once I realised this was what I was doing I took the time to be kind to myself and allow this process to take place. Be kind to yourself too the feelings are valid so own them and grieve for them then let them go. Hugs and best wishes I'll be thinking of you. Hil

morningstar said...

Hil - I don't know if you will come back to read - but I want to thank you for taking the time to share your story.... and for your advice...:)

Hil said...

Of course I'll be back, I come visit every day, you are in my can't miss top 3 bloggers. You are an inspiration - warts n all.

Hoping it was bearable today.

Hugs x

Anonymous said...

Hope they find the problem and can fix it. But I must say that getting a hysterectomy is sometimes the best. I had mine at a fairly young age, but it put an end to a lot of problems I was having. Besides, I always say that a hysterectomy made me a sports model, no longer a family sedan! Lol Built for pleasure, not for function :)
Now we just got to get that pleasure! - QA.