Monday, April 27, 2015
Tomorrow is my surgery. They are gonna take out the entire lining of my uterus and then take pictures of the inside of the uterus (god how I HATE having my picture taken - cheeky grin) and then hopefully discover what is causing this reversal of my menopause.
Sounds simple right - routine almost. The surgery will take 15 - 20 minutes then I will be in recovery for 2 - 4 hours. Then I can come home.
Then I can wait and wait and wait some more while they collect all the test results. And then maybe an answer.
I am so scared they are going to say the dreaded "H" word - hysterectomy. I don't know why - and it's really stupid cause 20 some years ago I begged them to take out my uterus when I had some problems and they said I was too young. Now when it looms as a possibility I am terrified. For some reason I am tying my uterus to my femininity - to what makes me a woman. And I have this massive fear that I will be damaged goods if they take it out.. a non-functioning woman.... that it will affect my sex drive and my orgasms ........ all of it............ which is REALLY stupid as no one has used me sexually in so long I forget what it feels like. AND if I go back to using my vibrator and I don't work anymore - am broken - who will know right??? It's not like the men are lining up around the block to fuck me - not this old woman - so what does it matter right??
Except it does.
I am so tired of feeling old - cast aside - not wanted or needed anymore.