A week ago W and I had words - W yelled - my heart broke. He bought me flowers I bought him an anniversary gift.
I was going to wrap it all up and put cute little explanatory notes on each of them... on the gag I was going to write - 'for those times I open my mouth and say all the wrong things - all the unsubbie things I shouldn't say'. On the paddle I was going to write - 'to re-enforce correct subbie behaviour'.
Then sometime on Sunday W posted publicly on FetLife that he had lost the interest/pleasure in beating me... that it didn't fill a need for him anymore......... I went into shock.
In part this is what he wrote:
"Once again morningstar is sitting crying/upset butt knot from getting
a beating that her ass so very much needs and wants butt it is ALL
because of Me. Y/you see I lost the desire, want, need, pleasure to give
her that beating and have for a little while.
Now let Me make it VERY CLEAR IT ISN'T HER FAULT, with the exception
every time she gets " pissed off, upset, teary eyed ( My words ) " it
sends Me down even lower because I am knot servicing her, butt she is
still servicing Mine.
I am trying to work it out, butt it is hard when one doesn't have the
trusted back-up I use to have or most likely ever have again."
I didn't think about my anniversary gift until it was too late to return it. So on Tuesday morning I gave him a bag with the two gifts inside - with the prices still on them and the bill in my hand. I said "If you wish to return them do so and buy yourself something you really want - maybe something for your train set up"
Instead he created the picture (above) and posted it to Fetlife,. He tried the paddle out on my ass. And he gave me my gift.............one of the figurines I collect - a little girl holding her cat
Then after a miserable day where my car didn't start and I had to call roadside assistance and take the damn thing to the garage - I wanted a barbq chicken (like I used to buy in Montreal ) for dinner and couldn't find the same ones...... we finished off the day eating supper in front of the television.
I am confused and feeling lost. I feel there is something wrong - and IF there is something wrong then - as the submissive - I must be responsible - and yes I know how stupid that sounds - how illogical !!! BUT I can't help what I feel - nor can I turn those feelings off.
So who knows what the next 12 years holds for us - hell who knows what the next few days hold for us........ I just know I love W with all my heart.......... and I wish I could fix whatever is going on............