Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Thoughts on masochism

I was sitting here this morning - mentally preparing myself for a 3 hour long workshop on "tax preparation" that I must attend at the school Board ( I have to prepare tax receipts for all the families that attend my programs)  And it made me think that I am truly a masochist because I absolutely HATE anything to do with math.

And that got me to thinking about all the toys W has ........ and how my likes and dislikes have changed and evolved.  

I was remembering the days of wooden paddles that used to break over my ass and how proud I was that I could take that kind of pain........ how I used to hate whips and floggers.  How I loved needles stuck into my body..... How I loved clamps and clothes pegs and various other items of torture attached to my private pink bits.  As time passed (and illnesses hit) I found myself happier with a whip than a hard unforgiving paddle.  I found myself hiding my private pink bits for fear W might want to perform some torture on it....... I just really wanted a nice whipping.... a floaty feeling .. and thank you very much I am done.  Gone are the long one hour sessions - sometimes followed by another hour long session - all in one evening.  Whip me ......... snuggle me... and let's move on.  That seems to be the way life has morphed.  Maybe back in those days I felt I had something to prove - to W ...... to myself (push those limits) ...... and to anyone watching. But not now.

I also noticed about 8 months ago I guess - that I didn't drip from the thought of a session with W........ hell I barely got damp even from a whipping.  I moaned I was broken.  I wondered wonder if the lack of arousal from a session had a bearing on how much pain I could handle.  Somehow it seemed that when I would get sexually aroused it made the pain exquisite and wonderful - and left me drained and shaking and more than just a little floaty.  And hell if I had an orgasm just from the pain I was gone for hours.  Orgasms became harder and harder to achieve - even with W fucking me for all he was worth......... I just couldn't seem to have those earth shattering - gut wrenching - squirting sort of orgasms. 

Now I discover I have this "thing" growing in my uterus and I wonder if this is the reason.  I wonder if the doctor can make it all gone if my desires will return.  I wonder if I will ever be the masochist I once was........ or is that only to be a memory.

And I wonder if it is really all that important......... to be the masochist I once was.  I wonder if W will be a little disappointed - though I doubt He would ever say anything.  I wonder if we can forge a new way of doing this BDSM thing we do............I wonder what life will become when I manage to cross the stepping stones.  

    

3 comments:

kaya said...

The only constant thing in life is change. Isn't that a kicker? I'm also floundering a bit on masochism and what I may or may not be changing into (and also wondering if my uterus is to blame). I'm just grateful that Master is reassuring and swears that whatever it changes into, he can work it. I swear I'm just along for the ride. :)

morningstar said...

thank you kaya for that !! It is true W is always reassuring me nothing between us will change..... and I am sure he like your Master will work with it........ but thanks for reminding me :)

Sue said...

Things will almost certainly change. Change is scary. It does not have to be "BAD." You will still be you, and W will still be who he is. What is real and true and solid will remain, and you and he will take that and make a life from it. It will be different at first, and you may look back wistfully sometimes. In time though, you will find your way to what is.

Holding you gently,
swan