There was a time when W had the ringtone "To Sir with Love" as my ring tone (hell he might still have it I honestly don't know). For those of you who don't remember the lyrics - OR - who are too darn young to have even seen the movie.......... the important part of the lyrics go:
If you wanted the sky I would write across the sky in letters,
That would soar a thousand feet high,
To Sir, with love.
If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start,
But I, would rather you let me give my heart,
To Sir, with Love
I haven't been able to get that song out of my mind these past few weeks. Oh I am not saying goodbye to W - not even close. BUT it has made me think a lot about what love means......... and the traits of a Dominant - a REAL Sir..... at least in my mind.
I am not just a play thing for W......... he isn't there for me just when the times are good and my ass is in the air for him to whoop. He isn't just there when I am serving him and doing all manner of subbie things for him. He is there for me when the days are dark and fear is clouding my vision. He is there for me when I am less than who I can be.
He is there for me every single day - and he believes in me! He puts aside his needs and wants and just every day things he needs to do to come to me - to hold my hand through doctor's appointments and yucky miserable tests. And it isn't a short hop skip and jump to get to me either. It involves a 3 hour drive in winter weather - but He comes each and every time. And he gives me the strength to face yet another test... and yet another test result........ He IS my rock.
And this caring makes me hang my head in shame that all those years ago I ripped His collar from my neck and took (what I now call) a sabbatical from our life together. Makes me embarrassed that I didn't trust in His love and His caring and His integrity enough. I have wanted to ask him......... to beg him....... to collar me again - for a long time. But most of the time I don't think I deserve that right....... haven't earned that right.... haven't earned His trust again. And so I wait.............
And while I wait He cares for me better than any Dominant (or man) before Him. He is more than I could hope for........... more than I deserve.
I don't need A day to tell him I love him. I don't need A Valentine's Day . This simple man is embedded in my heart - and will be there forever.