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Friday, December 07, 2012

On growing older


Over the last couple of years I have noticed a slowing / drop of interest in sex.  I LOVE sex - have ever since I hit my 40's but suddenly the love ........ interest...... has started waning - until ............. there is none.

I don't know for sure when it happened -  I just know I have it now.  AND when we try .......... it hurts.  And I bleed afterwards.  Now I like (used to like) rough sex.  It used to turn me on - to be grabbed by the hair and bent over the counter - or the table - or whatever and feel W forceably enter me - YUM!!  And when all was said and done - my juices would be running down my legs puddling on the floor.

Somewhere along the way - it stopped........ the puddling........ the wetness.  It just stopped.  WTF???!!

Back in October when I was bleeding after sex I didn't think much of it....... cause ya know it happens sometimes.  BUT the next time W was more gentle - slower and more cautious and still I bled afterwards.

I know bleeding at my age is NOT a good thing.  I called my doctor.  She saw me - she listened to my stumbling blushing description of what was going wrong.  I was scared that the "abnormal cells" that had gathered in my uterus some 5 years ago were back.  I was ............... AM............. scared.

She talked about other problems that could cause the irritation she was seeing (when she peered inside me) and she tested for 3 of those problems.  The tests came back negative.  That quickly whittled the problem down to two causes - the abnormal cells again - or something called vaginal atrophy. 

She gave me a prescription for estrogen - not in pill form - but suppository form.  I balked.  Hell I went through menopause and all the joys it brings - without taking one damn pill for HRT.  and now??!!  Now I have to take estrogen??!! not just take it - but put it right up inside me - against the cervix - melting close to the uterus that had those "abnormal cells".  The more I thought about it the more scared I became.

I called her office back.  Could I please have a referral to go back to the doc that treated the abnormal cells.  Yes I wanted a second opinion.

Wednesday I was scheduled to see that doctor.  I won't go into the massive screw up and incompetency that prevented me from seeing that doctor........... that resulted in my having to wait another month - till Jan 8th !!!  

In my research into "abnormal cells" and vaginal atrophy - the one common theme I am finding is that women do NOT talk about "post menopausal" problems.  What the hell is wrong with us??!!

Men can't get it up - they run to the doctor for the magic blue pills.  We??? we hide in our minds and pretend we can live with this new stage in our lives.  AND each one of us who gets to this point in post menopause - we don't talk about it....... so each and everyone of us feels as though we are the first and only one to suffer from whatever this is........

I always thought once I had paid my dues and survived menopause - life became more care free ........... and sexy .......... and all my dreams/fantasies could come true.  WRONG! so very wrong.  

In frustration on Wednesday night I told W I was gonna fill the damn prescription for the estrogen.  I was gonna use it and see if all my problems disappeared.  On Thursday I came to my senses.  Am I honestly ready to use a drug that is known to cause cancer ........... especially since I was so close to that only 5 years ago???  and you should know once I start using it...... from what I understand...... I don't stop using it..... oh I can cut back on how often I use it - from 3 times a week to maybe once a week..... but unlike the lil blue pill - I don't use it just when I want to have sex..... nope doesn't work like that.   

In the light of day I realized I would rather wait another month and see the doctor ........ and get a second opinion.   I want to be damn sure I have this vaginal atrophy and not "abnormal cells" before I start using chemicals in my body. 

Growing old is like crossing a mine field - you never bloody well know when something will silently go click - and you will be left standing like a deer caught in the headlights wondering what to do next.............   

7 comments:

Sir said...

:-((... you are hurting and I can't do a dam thing about it and I don't like that one DAM bit!!!

W

abby said...

HUGS...someone said to me recently....living long enough to be old is good....being old, not so good.
I agree...altho I have been luck..so far.
You make a good point about woman just being quiet and accepting..I wonder if it has anything to do with submission?
hugs abby

Anonymous said...

Wish someone had warned us of the perils of getting older... of course we wouldn't have listened.

Was having a similar problem not the bleeding but extreme dryness, no lubricant even if aroused. Also had a UTI burning sensation when peeing. Fortunately no loss of libido.

Went to gyn and was told it was just vaginal dryness due to lack of estrogen that comes from the aging process. Ha! life after menopause, not so fair! Like that description better than the term vaginal atrophy. I use the estrogen cream twice a week at night before bed. But not on a 'fun' night. Don't know what the cream would do to his penis. What a difference it made. Life is so much better now!

My understanding is the amount of estrogen in the cream is so minute that it shouldn't cause you any problems. At least that's what the pharmacist told me. Figured she knew more about drugs than the doctor.

Good luck!

Joyce

Sue said...

It is not fair! And I think you are wise to hang in and get clear about what is likely happening before you take on the estrogen issues. I know how frustrating this all is, but hang in there... Soon, you will have your answers and then you will be able to move ahead with a clear and easy mind.

Hugs, swan

Penelope said...

I'm so sorry, morningstar, and so moved by your post. All I can say is that I think you are right to wait for a second opinion, though I know that waiting is hard. (A pox on the incompetent who messed your original appointment up). That plus you are right to be angry and confused and sad.

I hope all the news you get from now on is good. xx

SPANKEDHORTIC II said...

Sorry to hear about your problems and I hope that the medical bods can come up with a better solution.

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