Thursday, October 04, 2012
On Friday night when I get to Kingston - W and I are off to a discussion group. (Kingston is nothing if not an educating sort of community) The discussion is on BDSM terminology. I read that - I am sure there is more of an explanation - but truthfully that's all that stayed with me. It's a good topic.... because truthfully if you are new to the community you can get totally and completely bogged down by all the terminology.
And that discussion topic got me to thinking about "bottoms" and "subs" and "slaves" And that got me to thinking about my short period bottoming for two Tops a few years ago.
It was great fun - lots of play every single weekend - lots and lots of play. Play after play after play. And then when the play was over - we went our separate ways. And as much as I tried to convince myself they cared about me - these two tops didn't ...... not really. They had their life to return to...... their money problems - their jobs - their kids. And I had my own life - my own money problems - my own job - my own kids.
It took me awhile to figure some things out....... (I am a slow learner)
I learned I can not be a bottom - not a play thing - not a thing at all. I have way too many emotions and feelings and needs to be a "thing"........ simply a bottom to beat.
I learned that no matter how much fun the play/pain is..... I need a connection - a spark - between the "Top" and myself. OH people were blown away by the "show" we could put on........ and at times it was very sensual. The problem was - the sensuality ended when the whips and floggers were put away....... and I was left dangling. I needed a connection after the play - I needed to feel the soft gentle caresses that would ultimately ground me again - and make me know/feel that I was cared for and cared about.
And I learned that - despite how glorious it all looked on the outside to the onlookers - my heart longed for the man that had been more than a "Top" who had been my "Sir" ....... who knew me ....... knew my body better than just about anyone. The man who could cause sparks with a gentle tug on my hair - or by a certain look - or a simple beckoning with his hand.
Sparks in a relationship - a bonding - a connection - are so important (at least for me) Without them - all that happens in front of others - in the public eye - is just a good show (or not so good a show)
I am glad I am back with the man - with W - the man who can spark my life with fun, adventure, sensuality, and pain.