Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Protection and Love





I do not - NOT - handle conflict well ....... conflict at work is bad...... but conflict at home - with my family - is the worst.  

I don't want to talk about the conflict - the hurtful words - the pain - that happened on Sunday - on Mother's day. I want to talk about yesterday ......... 

I arrived home from work - drained.  And as I got out of my car - there was W walking across the parking lot towards to me.   We settled in in the living room and W wanted to know what the &#&# had happened.  At first I couldn't speak - you see W loves me - he wants to protect me from hurt - from people who hurt me.  But to some degree his protection of me is part of the problem......... not THE problem - but definitely a part of it.  

But finally I started talking - and crying - and talking some more.  I made him promise he wouldn't go after youngest daughter ... I made him promise he would just listen to me.. help ME find my way out of the darkness - and so we talked ........ for over an hour.

And I am here to say - to you - and to W (are you listening W??? ) that W's sitting listening to me talk - sitting there letting me cry it out .... reminding me every so often to breath........ was the BEST thing he could have done - that only HE could have done - to help me crawl out of the black hole of pain.   I wasn't alone with it anymore.  I could share the pain - the hurt - the doubts.......... and once it was over - I felt the release wash over me.  Almost like when W takes me up up and up - to my land of the fairies - the relief was / is beyond words.  


I was able to share with him a worry that has been eating at me ever since we agreed to move to Kingston together........ my fear that my girls wouldn't be welcome at our home.  I begged him to try and find it in his heart to start to heal the rift ........ so that when he leaves me - and moves - I will know in my heart that the girls will be comfortable coming to visit us - coming to see the new home W and I will have created together.. 


Whatever is going on - really going on - with my youngest is her problem to fix.  I know - as I have always known - that whether I am here in town - or living 2 hours away - I will always be there for her.  Hopefully one day - she will realize that too......... 


But for now........ I have W to hold me tight - to help me fight the fears and pain...... W will protect me ......... not from family or others - but from myself !!  From my need to take everything on my shoulders...... to play the blame game - IF I had phoned more - IF I had gone out more - IF - IF - IF ..........

Having someone love you so much they are willing to hold you tight - to fight the demons inside your own head - to comfort and soothe - that's the real definition of protection and love to me.  

Thank you W ............ for loving me enough

5 comments:

themonkeysjourney said...

The family issues are worse than anything else, because the knives are sharper and weilded with intimate knowledge of your weaknesses. Nothing cuts a s deep as love does it? And nothing strengthens like love either.

I'm glad you have someone to love and protect you like that.I'm lucky that way too, and it balances the horrible stuff and makes room for hope and light.

Anonymous said...

Ditto monkey's post. She said it so well. Thankful you have someone like W to help you through this troubling time.

Joyce

BlazngScarlet said...

(((HUGS)))

I'm glad W is there for you.

saffy said...

hugs you softly.. you know how much i nearly lost through family issues and non acceptance of my relationship with MK. Life is not always rosey and sometimes we just have to walk away from the familly we love and hope that they will come to their senses.... What you have with you Sir is beautiful... and if others (all be it family or not) can not understand then you have to walk away and make yourself happy...if you need an ear you have my email...

newgirl said...

Well, i couldn't be more happy that W was there for you, that Y/your love is that strong....that makes me smile. (though i am wiping a tear from my eye, it's a happy tear)

angelquest