Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Protection and Love
I do not - NOT - handle conflict well ....... conflict at work is bad...... but conflict at home - with my family - is the worst.
I don't want to talk about the conflict - the hurtful words - the pain - that happened on Sunday - on Mother's day. I want to talk about yesterday .........
I arrived home from work - drained. And as I got out of my car - there was W walking across the parking lot towards to me. We settled in in the living room and W wanted to know what the &#&# had happened. At first I couldn't speak - you see W loves me - he wants to protect me from hurt - from people who hurt me. But to some degree his protection of me is part of the problem......... not THE problem - but definitely a part of it.
But finally I started talking - and crying - and talking some more. I made him promise he wouldn't go after youngest daughter ... I made him promise he would just listen to me.. help ME find my way out of the darkness - and so we talked ........ for over an hour.
And I am here to say - to you - and to W (are you listening W??? ) that W's sitting listening to me talk - sitting there letting me cry it out .... reminding me every so often to breath........ was the BEST thing he could have done - that only HE could have done - to help me crawl out of the black hole of pain. I wasn't alone with it anymore. I could share the pain - the hurt - the doubts.......... and once it was over - I felt the release wash over me. Almost like when W takes me up up and up - to my land of the fairies - the relief was / is beyond words.
I was able to share with him a worry that has been eating at me ever since we agreed to move to Kingston together........ my fear that my girls wouldn't be welcome at our home. I begged him to try and find it in his heart to start to heal the rift ........ so that when he leaves me - and moves - I will know in my heart that the girls will be comfortable coming to visit us - coming to see the new home W and I will have created together..
Whatever is going on - really going on - with my youngest is her problem to fix. I know - as I have always known - that whether I am here in town - or living 2 hours away - I will always be there for her. Hopefully one day - she will realize that too.........
But for now........ I have W to hold me tight - to help me fight the fears and pain...... W will protect me ......... not from family or others - but from myself !! From my need to take everything on my shoulders...... to play the blame game - IF I had phoned more - IF I had gone out more - IF - IF - IF ..........
Having someone love you so much they are willing to hold you tight - to fight the demons inside your own head - to comfort and soothe - that's the real definition of protection and love to me.
Thank you W ............ for loving me enough