Thursday, March 22, 2012
Let's see if you can follow the bouncing subbie ball this morning...........
Yesterday's realization that my sex drive is returning to normal (FINALLY!!) has gotten me to thinking about a whole mess of things along the lines of sex and sexuality.
I had a little masturbation session yesterday - and OH MY GOD !! it felt amazing....... it has been so long since I pulled the hitachi and the dildo out and had some "private" time. However - after the fact - I couldn't help thinking how much better it would have all been - if there had been pain mixed in to the mix of vibrators and dildos.
And then the usual "what the hell is wrong with me" floated through my mind - what makes sex so much more fulfilling - thrilling - and fun when it is combined with some extreme pain??? I wondered about the crossed wiring that must twist and turn through my body.......... how weird is that?? Why is pain foreplay for me when others prefer snuggling and candles and chocolate and whispered sweet nothings???
And then I had a mini fantasy of having to hold a dildo in me while being flogged - and if it accidentally fell out - feeling it thrust back in - rather roughly - and strong harsh words whispered in my ear...... and the pain continuing ............
And then I circled 'round to the reality of that play scenario - and realized it wouldn't happen at a club - publicly - because ................ I have standards. Pure and simple - standards.
Back in the day when I first started attending public play parties - genitals HAD to be covered. Insertions in any orifice were most certainly banned. Now of course you can see (at any public event) subbies running around stark naked (without even a towel to sit on - ewwwwwwww) Never mind the blatant open fucking that happens, or blow jobs, or any other form of sexual interactions.
I would love to engage..... those urges happen most often when I am being beaten and my insides are twitching and craving .......... and I am having one small orgasm after another just from the pain.......... but the body needs/wants/craves a MAJOR earth shattering one - that can only be found with a dildo or W's creative 'fucking' hand.
But I never go there........ never need/crave/twitch enough to beg for that release...... because I have standards. Because in my mind - those who do - are wanton women (to quote my grandmother ) or sluts (to quote my mom) and I am neither .............
I am just a subbie with needs ......... and standards......... and this weird crossed wiring that makes pain foreplay.