Friday, January 06, 2012

Just a tiny kernel



I have had a whole mess of time on my hands this week - not always a good thing - cause when I have time on my hands I tend to think........ no, more than think.. I tend to brood.

And there is little or no rhyme or reason to my thoughts.. they just move from one thing to another............. and amongst all this thinking there is this kernel - this wee tiny kernel of a thought that keeps coming to the surface - but I can't quite unravel it.   And the really weird thing about this kernel of thought is -----  it is something my parents taught me many eons ago.  If a man can get the milk for free - why would he buy the cow? 
Or in plainer terms - stay a virgin until you get married.  (which if anyone is interested - is exactly what I did.  I tended to do what my parents told me - yeah yeah I know - what a goodie two shoes!!)

My dear friend Buffalo's favourite advice to me is "In my unsolicited opinion, darlin' girl, you make shit way more complicated than it need be".  I have heard that over and over from him.. and most of the time I think 'yeah he's probably right' BUT then of course he doesn't fully understand how my addled brain works.  I HAVE to sort things out... have to sort out how things affect me - emotionally - physically - every way. 
But his words have been ringing in my ears all week - every time my brain settles on yet another 'situation' and I try to sort out why it is bothering me so much ........ 'just let it go' I keep telling myself - don't complicate things.' 

But I don't listen to myself anymore than I listen to Buffalo (or anyone else for that matter)

I do believe that part of my make up is to try and understand how people tick.  I have always been like that....... I sit and observe and wonder why people do the things they do......... and I do mean ALWAYS - as far back as I can remember.  

'Cause I came to realize a long time ago that I am truly not like most people.  W is always telling me that... hell anyone who knows me well tells me that.  (and I guess I have come to believe it) 
"In my world" people aren't power hungry - aren't attention hounds - aren't hurtful - or vengeful - or malicious.  People are honest and respectful.   That's in my world.  

In the real world of course things are very different.   Some people are like dogs with a bone and don't let go.  They whine they moan - they pursue - they stalk - they knife you in the back.  And most of the time I don't get it.  Say what's on your mind - work it out - and move on.  Hell the past is the past - learn from our mistakes - and move on !!!

Anyway - all this is noise to distract me from that kernel that keeps rubbing against the edges of my brain - irritating the hell out of me...... and I just can't seem to grab it - and look at it - and sort it out...........

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