Monday, June 13, 2011

Moody Monday





I am a little out of sorts today - it started with my internet access disappearing again.... and another phone call to my ISP......... and the mood didn't lift.  W says I shouldn't think cause it quite often gets me in trouble - and in a way I guess he is right.  Then I got an email from drakor - who - because he hadn't heard from me - wondered if I was having a "moody monday".

I have been running conversations (old and new) over and over in my head..... kinda like picking at a sore.

I don't know what I am anymore.. it was pointed out to me on Saturday quite clearly that I am not a masochist like I was......... my words - my own words - were fed back to me ..."you aren't submissive - you are a dominant masochist".  I discovered my own words have a pretty bitter taste to them......... 

I am cursing myself for my knee jerk reactions to things.... like last summer when I couldn't be a submissive - just wanted to be a bottom - just wanted to be a masochist - I wonder if I will ever learn to sleep on things before I declare them carved in stone.... 

I feel - right or wrong - as though I have burned my bridges behind me.  It's an awful feeling.  I am left wondering what now??? I am left asking "am I gonna get run out of the BDSM community - not a masochist - not a submissive - no going back..........

Yeah I guess it is a "Moody Monday"

7 comments:

  1. you can do what you want you have a great deal of strength and ability so the sky is the limit look how many times i have changed. The only question is what you want really that is all it is.

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  2. Bridges can always be rebuilt. Once you decide what you want, course changes can always be made.

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  3. Good Grief, Charlie Brown!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Isn't it a woman's right to change her mind ( sorry knot being Politically Correct here )?

    So when you figure out what/who you are let the BDSM world know. Oh, and I am sure the BDSM world won't kick you out no matter what you declare what/who are since you are a nice person no matter what/who you are.

    Warren

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  5. Hi

    I am so new to the BDSM community but I would hope that the commuinity would embrace everyone with a penchant for the different and the new. I do hope you find your path and not worry about the labels. I feel you are a good person at heart and are just finding your own journey. All the best x

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  6. May I ask WHY you have to declare anything to anyone?
    You are WHO you are ...
    You like WHAT you like ...

    last time I checked, you were human (a very VIBRANT on at that!), and as such:
    we change ...
    we evolve ...
    our likes/dislikes, wants/needs change.

    Oh, screw the BDSM community if they take issue with you.
    Just my opinion ....

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  7. Anonymous9:52 am

    You mean i am going to keep questioning myself even decades after i am in the lifestyle?! ;)

    I think sometimes the bridges being burnt behind you are a way of ensuring you do not return the way you came (therefore prevcenting repitition of things that never worked the first time and forcing you to find another means / way)...

    I hope tuesday is being better to you.

    ~viemoira

    P.S. I have the code for the new FNF button here if you want it: http://cavernofthebeast.wordpress.com/entrance-zone/friday-non-fiction/

    ReplyDelete

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