Monday, June 13, 2011

Moody Monday





I am a little out of sorts today - it started with my internet access disappearing again.... and another phone call to my ISP......... and the mood didn't lift.  W says I shouldn't think cause it quite often gets me in trouble - and in a way I guess he is right.  Then I got an email from drakor - who - because he hadn't heard from me - wondered if I was having a "moody monday".

I have been running conversations (old and new) over and over in my head..... kinda like picking at a sore.

I don't know what I am anymore.. it was pointed out to me on Saturday quite clearly that I am not a masochist like I was......... my words - my own words - were fed back to me ..."you aren't submissive - you are a dominant masochist".  I discovered my own words have a pretty bitter taste to them......... 

I am cursing myself for my knee jerk reactions to things.... like last summer when I couldn't be a submissive - just wanted to be a bottom - just wanted to be a masochist - I wonder if I will ever learn to sleep on things before I declare them carved in stone.... 

I feel - right or wrong - as though I have burned my bridges behind me.  It's an awful feeling.  I am left wondering what now??? I am left asking "am I gonna get run out of the BDSM community - not a masochist - not a submissive - no going back..........

Yeah I guess it is a "Moody Monday"

7 comments:

drakor66 said...

you can do what you want you have a great deal of strength and ability so the sky is the limit look how many times i have changed. The only question is what you want really that is all it is.

littlemonkey said...

Bridges can always be rebuilt. Once you decide what you want, course changes can always be made.

Buffalo said...

Good Grief, Charlie Brown!

Sir said...

Isn't it a woman's right to change her mind ( sorry knot being Politically Correct here )?

So when you figure out what/who you are let the BDSM world know. Oh, and I am sure the BDSM world won't kick you out no matter what you declare what/who are since you are a nice person no matter what/who you are.

Warren

sub-kitten said...

Hi

I am so new to the BDSM community but I would hope that the commuinity would embrace everyone with a penchant for the different and the new. I do hope you find your path and not worry about the labels. I feel you are a good person at heart and are just finding your own journey. All the best x

BlazngScarlet said...

May I ask WHY you have to declare anything to anyone?
You are WHO you are ...
You like WHAT you like ...

last time I checked, you were human (a very VIBRANT on at that!), and as such:
we change ...
we evolve ...
our likes/dislikes, wants/needs change.

Oh, screw the BDSM community if they take issue with you.
Just my opinion ....

cavernofthebeast said...

You mean i am going to keep questioning myself even decades after i am in the lifestyle?! ;)

I think sometimes the bridges being burnt behind you are a way of ensuring you do not return the way you came (therefore prevcenting repitition of things that never worked the first time and forcing you to find another means / way)...

I hope tuesday is being better to you.

~viemoira

P.S. I have the code for the new FNF button here if you want it: http://cavernofthebeast.wordpress.com/entrance-zone/friday-non-fiction/