Friday, April 22, 2011
I have been realizing over these last few weeks - that things have changed...... inside of me. It is as though the surgeon removed the rough scratchy edges that lined me inside and smoothed them all out.
I hadn't said a word to anyone - because I wasn't positive it would last - that it wasn't just some sort of reaction to how sick I was .. weak and worn out... no fight left. And I wondered as my strength came back if the rough edges would reappear.
But over the last few days - maybe a week or so - I am coming to realize that I am not entirely the same person I was in January.
On one hand I think I am stronger....... I have realized I have allowed so many people - some close to me - some not so close - define who and what I was. I allowed my temper and frustrations to rule my head. Now ........ well Now I feel stronger in that I know who I want to be......... what I want to be....... and damn everyone else's opinion.
I told W last evening in an email - that I am NOT a masochist. NO NO NO........... that was someone else's definition of me. I am what W always called me - simply a pain slut....nothing more nothing less.
And I am coming to realize I miss the serving aspect of a relationship. Oh not on my hands and knees bowing to the god almighty who claims to be Dominant... NO NO NO.. more a soft gentle serving..... taking care of my man sort of thing.
I am not out to accept the challenges of submissives and Dominants who live an extreme sort of D/s That isn't for me. I am wiser now. I see how some of what we do can have serious consequences - health wise - and emotion wise - and I do not want to go there.
(As an aside - I was remembering last summer playing hard - living up to the masochist label I had accepted - how for days after a session - my body would ache - more than ache - it would HURT. and I would be weepy and sad. I felt lost and alone - and more than a little scared. It took a while - hey you can teach an old dog new tricks - it just takes a while - but I came to realize I didn't like the hurting ... I wanted some TLC .... and it wasn't anywhere to be found......... I was worth more than a "slam bam thank you ma'am" sort of play time)
I want to change my quick judgmental attitude - some of which comes from my work - where from time to time I have to make quick decisions about someone - but in my personal life I want to be softer... more gentle.. more accepting of people's faults and foibles.
I want to wake up every morning glad to be alive - to see the rain (ugh) and the sunshine and be glad that I am me......... even if this me is changing yet again! (or maybe not changing - but more refining)