Sunday, March 13, 2011
Way toooo early
One of the things that has been bugging me since my illness - is my sleep patterns. The hospital got me used to going to sleep before 9pm (which was basically lights out).... and then being awakened around 3 when the night shift came round to each room and shone their flashlights in my eyes - which in my case is an instant wake up call.
Since I have been home I have barely been able to stay up till 9 pm... and have been waking up at 3 sharp........ no light in my eyes........ doesn't much matter... I am awake.
Last night Warren came for dinner. It felt good to actually cook him a dinner again and serve it in the dining room!!!! And he stayed till 10 pm which meant I was later going to bed. AND lo and behold I didn't wake up till 5:30 a.m. I was just contemplating rolling over for an extra hour or so of sleep - when I realized I should have set the clocks ahead one hour. So it wasn't really 5:30 am.. but 6:30 am. A reasonable time to be awake - and certainly by "Miss Ashes" internal clock - way past feeding time !!
So that is why I am sitting here at 7:30 am, cup of coffee in hand, writing in my blog. And yeah that was a long round about way to get to some point to this story.
For at least the last 10 weeks I have had virtually no thought of BDSM... and no desire....... haven't thought about sex or masturbating for just as long. I had begun to believe that when they took the gallbladder out they somehow also removed my desire/need/ want.
Last week my hand strayed to my pussy and I realized for the first time (yeah yeah I am slow sometimes!!) that I have not shaved my pussy in 10 weeks. The hair is long and silky feeling (no course hair on me) and I started to play with it... curling it around my fingers, tugging gently on it... just well .. just playing with it. While I was playing I started contemplating shaving again. At first I didn't see any reason...... I mean I have no desire for anything....... and what's the point of shaving??? whose gonna see if it is long or gone???
Then I started to think that I never did shave because of BDSM - I started shaving over 35 years ago - after my first baby - because I liked the feel of a "naked" pussy.
Then I started to think how my clit jewelry doesn't show much now - hiding so nicely in the hair - and then I realized that because it is hidden away and not as free as it usually is..... that I am not getting the stimulation I usually get from it......... which might explain some of the absence of sexual arousal.
And truthfully folks - no sexual arousal means - in my case - no desire for spankings or floggings. I know I know weird sort of foreplay !!
I didn't rush off to shave - it is just a seed firmly planted in my head.
Then this week Warren and I had a couple of semi-suggestive emails going back and forth about my ass. If memory serves me right - my last email to him went something along the lines I was glad he was thinking of my ass again.
And I wondered if maybe - just maybe - we would try a little spanking Saturday night after dinner.
And it worried me some.
I have absolutely no muscle tone in my ass or thighs right now. And I imagined how much a spanking would hurt...... and how ugly my ass looks right now (yeah yeah I can be vain that way occasionally) I started to fuss a little bit. Would he use just his hand or would he want to use some of the toys?? Would he be turned off by my sagging lifeless muscles???
And then on Friday night I had 2 hand fulls of popcorn. I craved something salty and just didn't think. Popcorn is one of the foods that is on my "do not - under any circumstances !!! - eat" I had 2 hand fulls then threw the rest out cursing myself for forgetting. I crossed my fingers that just 2 handfuls wouldn't make much difference.
But I was wrong. When the pain hit in my belly it was like a sharp knife cutting through the tissue. Then it went to a sharp knife stabbing me. Then it passed and I thought I had ducked the bullet.
But I was so wrong........... After dinner it hit with a vengeance. I hoped it would pass. Warren had already made a suggestion that we try an over the knee spanking. But as the clock ticked off the minutes I realized the evening was ruined. My 2 hand fulls of popcorn had brought on another bad attack.
Warren and I watched a couple of tv shows with me curled up on the sofa feeling like death warmed over. And at 10 pm he left - with no further attempt or suggestion at a spanking.
This morning I feel like shit - not because I am still in pain - it seems to have passed yet again - but because I may have deliberately or not deliberately sabotaged my re-entry in the spanking world.
And now I am left to wonder how much patience is Warren gonna have???
It may be way toooo early in the morning to be up and about - but it isn't way tooo early to try and resume some sort of relationship with spanking thrown in for good measure...... I have to sort this out ...... and pretty damn quickly too .............