A few weeks ago Hermione of Hermione's heart - suggested I take a paper and pen to hospital with me to make notes for upcoming blogs. It was a great idea!! The only problem has been I have not been able to focus on ideas - never mind actually writing blogs. It has been as though my brain is seeing the world through a pea soup type fog.
I had had a plan to start looking at my submissive ideas - at my relationship with Warren that went so very wrong last March and try to find some way back - not to where we were but perhaps to a new beginning. I did manage to make a list of protocols and rituals that ruled my life for nearly 10 years. I just couldn't figure out what had triggered the downward spiral. After all - most subs/slaves have the same rituals/protocols and they don't throw up their arms in disgust.. so how to figure out what happened to me.
- I was never to enter a room without permission.
- I was to be naked - when that didn't work - I was not to wear underwear
- I was to always ask permission before purchasing anything (except essentials like food and medications)
- I was to send a written report every morning before 7 am
- I was to always ask permission before making social arrangements
- I was to be invisible when we were out publicly - not seen or heard
- I was not to freely engage in conversation with Warren or other doms - but ask permission to enter a discussion
- all emails were to be cc'd to Warren
- all online chats were to be saved and sent to Warren
- At one point - I was to organise the munches - including posting the event - reserving the restaurant and making sure all the name tags were given out
- My fet wear consisted of clothing that was "slutty" looking
- I was always chained into bed at night
- I had to sleep naked - except when I was sick - then I was allowed to wear pj's
- I had no privacy when I used the bathroom - having to leave the door open at all times
- I was supposed to kneel at the door when Warren arrived.
And then recently I started reading blogs and articles describing punishment times/discipline and my blood began to boil again. I realized in some way I saw all those rules as ways of dealing with a child - and I AM NOT A CHILD!! I have managed to work through a messy divorce - buy my own house - hold down a job for nearly 30 years - and basically keep my life on track - why was I suddenly being treated like a child again??!!
At first it was all fun and games - it felt good not to have to make decisions after so many years of making decisions.......... I could apply my teaching philosophy to the life of a sub - a strong set of rules made the sub feel safe and loved - like a child needs rules to feel safe and loved. It all made sense......... for a little while. But - I AM NOT A CHILD........ and there came the problems.
Love to me translated into honesty and trust and respect. Adult love that is. It began to feel as though this was all one sided..... all the trust and respect and honesty was coming from me... and I was never sure if it was coming back to me from my Sir. There were times (more than once) when I knew for a fact that He had seen another submissive - had played with another submissive - without ever sharing that fact with me. I felt lied to and cheated on. That is not how my world works. I am very monogamous - perhaps to a fault.
I was not a child you could send to the corner when I confronted you on what I labeled as cheating. I was not a child that you could throw up some silly rules that said "you were always right and always knew best". I was not a child !!!
It got to the point that Warren believed the Dominant Hype.....He was always right and I had no say. It became a one sided relationship where I wasn't even allowed to try and meet some of his needs.
And so thing spiraled downwards and away from me and I couldn't find any solution..... except to walk away.
Now the question is.......... can we together work our way back up that spiraled staircase and pull together some sort of D/s relationship that works for both of us??!! That doesn't reek of the internet or someone's else's plan of how to do things..... can we find our way back together at the top of the staircase?