Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Ever since I knew I was going to have to have an operation I have had an irrational fear that something awful is going to happen........ like I am going to die.
On one hand it isn't that irrational ..... because every time I have had surgery I have had a massive reaction to the anesthetic. Each time I have had surgery that reaction has gotten worse.... until the last time when I was told no more surgery unless it is absolutely necessary. AND yes I know this is absolutely necessary...... and yes I know that the surgeon will be prepared for my reactions....... but the fear lingers.
When I was told that the operation wouldn't take place until January or February at the earliest, I relaxed. I would worry in January or February. I was not going to stress now.
Today I got a call - from the surgeon's office and the hospital. My pre-op tests were scheduled for this Friday Dec 10th and the surgery was scheduled for the following Friday Dec. 17th.
I couldn't do it. The fear took over and I just couldn't do it. I told them that I was fine now.. that I could wait till January or February. The nurse tried to coax a little bit.. but I stood firm.
I know it is stupid... I know I am stupid.
BUT if something awful happened during surgery... if I died....... shrug.. it is really hard to explain..... I want one more Christmas with my family.. I want one more.....
So I refused the surgery ....... until the new year.
Fear can be a paralyzing thing