Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Fear


Ever since I knew I was going to have to have an operation I have had an irrational fear that something awful is going to happen........ like I am going to die.

On one hand it isn't that irrational ..... because every time I have had surgery I have had a massive reaction to the anesthetic. Each time I have had surgery that reaction has gotten worse.... until the last time when I was told no more surgery unless it is absolutely necessary. AND yes I know this is absolutely necessary...... and yes I know that the surgeon will be prepared for my reactions....... but the fear lingers.

When I was told that the operation wouldn't take place until January or February at the earliest, I relaxed. I would worry in January or February. I was not going to stress now.

Today I got a call - from the surgeon's office and the hospital. My pre-op tests were scheduled for this Friday Dec 10th and the surgery was scheduled for the following Friday Dec. 17th.

I couldn't do it. The fear took over and I just couldn't do it. I told them that I was fine now.. that I could wait till January or February. The nurse tried to coax a little bit.. but I stood firm.

I know it is stupid... I know I am stupid.

BUT if something awful happened during surgery... if I died....... shrug.. it is really hard to explain..... I want one more Christmas with my family.. I want one more.....

So I refused the surgery ....... until the new year.

Fear can be a paralyzing thing

8 comments:

Buffalo said...

It is natural to feel fear and misapprehension over pending surgery.

BlazngScarlet said...

You're NOT stupid!
Don't say such things .... EVER!
Fear really IS paralyzing.
It makes perfect sense to me that you don't want it done before Christmas ... especially knowing what Christmas means to you.
Besides, you mentally prepared yourself for AFTER the New Year, not 1 1/2 weeks!

Don't be so hard on yourself!

Sir said...

To frightened morningstar

you can't die or have anything happen to you around Christmas as that is MY season to have things go bad I have earned that so you got it!!!

From the Grinch

Mistress160 said...

Sounds perfectly sensible to me. As long as the situation isn't life threatening, most people I know would be thrown if their operations were brought forward. That's a lot of very important and difficult planning re time off work / transport / post op carer etc etc all completely stuffed, and that's apart from the being mentally prepared side of things.

Enjoy your Xmas ... just for God's sake be careful re all the heavy food *grin*

Sue said...

preparing for surgery is not just a physical or logistical thing -- there is a huge intellectual and emotional component, and you haven't had time to complete that process yet. So, if it isn't an emergency, I think it makes sense to insist that, insofar as it is possible, the timing work for you.

It will all be fine, but if doing it in the new year reduces your stress and fear, then I think that makes perfect sense.

Hugs, Sue

Ordalie said...

I think you were absolutely right in refusing to hurry things as you were not prepared mentally for that date.
One day a dentist told me he had to pull out one of my teeth. As I didn't expect that I just refused. He said "All right! Come back when you agree."
I was very surprised and asked him why he didn't insist to do the job at once.
And he answered:" Simply because I have learnt from experience that if someone isn't prepared, things always go wrong."
So there!

viemoira said...

I honestly get this and do not blame you- hope the reschedule and surgery are smooth for you!

anna said...

I agree with the others. Mental/emotional preparation is an important thing. I think your feelings are natural and I'm glad you stuck with the later date.