Wednesday, November 24, 2010
On Being Nervous
There are times in our lives when being nervous is almost like excitement. We are heading off to a play party and we get nervous butterflies marching around in our stomachs......... but truth be told......... it is a good nervous.
We get nervous when we are going to meet someone new or a whole bunch of someones new - hoping we make a good impression - but truth be told it is a good nervousness.
Then there is the type of nervousness I am going through now. I have exactly 7 days till I see the surgeon. Nervous doesn't quite describe what I am feeling.
I am struggling with the thought that this - whatever THIS is - that I have been going through for the last 5 weeks isn't really gall bladder. It isn't like the first gall bladder attack I had. It doesn't sound like any sort of gall bladder attack that anyone else had.
I don't have sharp - feel like you are dying - pains. I have a dull ache - more like a toothache just under my right breast. I do have some nausea - but not much. I get the chills - or the sweats. I can have moments of being light headed - dizzy even (ok ok more dizzy than normal !!!) I do something and am exhausted, and can nap for hours. I am sleeping 8 - 9 hours a night and still needing more. I am cranky and restless and depressed. Most of the time I am weak as a kitten.
I have days where I can honestly forget I have anything wrong with me.. and then days and days where I can't shake the fear that it is more than gall bladder.
So I am nervous - and afraid - of going to see this surgeon. Afraid of going into the hospital - afraid of finding out I don't have gall bladder but something much more scary.
And yet - I can be rational - and in those moments I remember the ultra sound that showed gall stones .... I remember the blood tests that showed severely elevated white blood cell count that indicated infection.
But most of the time....... I am just plain nervous beyond words. I will be so glad when this is all over and then maybe I can rejoin my life..... rejoin the world .. and get on with living.