Saturday, October 30, 2010

conflicted

See if any of this makes sense to you...

When I was Warren's submissive the one thing that always bothered me the most was when I was under the weather and unable to "do my job". I hated not being able to serve him... not being up for any play .. not being myself. It felt a little bit like I was a failure..

Now we are working our way back together.... and I have found myself from time to time dropping back into sub mode.. calling him "Sir" .. spending some time wondering how I could be true to my masochist side.. and be a submissive to Warren... submissive not slave - I know I can't be a slave.. but surely there must be some sort of compromise .. can't there be???

And then I got sick ......... and Warren has been wonderful making sure I wasn't alone on those trips to the clinic.. and I cried and felt safe having him by my side.. but that old nagging belief that somehow I can't be a good sub if I am sick... and yes I know it all sounds damn stupid and hormonal ... but these are the thoughts that are banging around (loudly) in my head.

There was something comforting yesterday knowing that I could just curl up and be sick all weekend (yeah yeah I am not feeling much better) and not have to talk to anyone.. and can nap when I want to.... but IF I was a good submissive I wouldn't feel that way would I ???

ugh.... I am so conflicted over this.... and yeah right now I admit it .. I feel as though this gall bladder issue is never gonna end... and I am weak and frustrated and not very logical........

4 comments:

kaila said...

Being sick is not a concious choice we can make. Rather it is something that happens to us--most often unexpectedly.

It's not that you don't want to serve or be the slave you know you can be, but you are unable.

So in no way are you a failure.

I thought like that too, until I got sick.

The fact that Warren has been there for you speaks volumes about his character. I don't know either he or you enough to make an overall judgement nor should I, but it is obvious he "gets" the idea of the responsibilities that go along with ownership.

To be left to you own devices or left when you are going for tests at the last minute sucks. I know becausde it5 happened to me.

At that moment a lightbult went off in my head. I realized he wasn't the Dominant he claimed to be. It would have been fine with him saying ahead of time it was something he just couldn't deal with, but to bail on me like that? Nope...and as haughty and unsubmissive as it may sound he doesn't deserve all the "goodies" that go along with my submission.

Exit kaila

BlazngScarlet said...

As Kaila said, being sick isn't a CHOICE.
Submission and wanting to serve is.
You're not illogical .... you're frustrated.
Just remember, this too shall pass.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
You're an amazing sub, and part of being an amazing sub is knowing that sometimes you have to tend to yourself FIRST.
I believe that Warren gets that.

I hope you can get your surgery sooner than they said ... it will make a world of difference in how you feel.

Till then, rest; your body, mind and soul.

swan said...

Whatever and however you ultimately call yourself in regards to your relationship with Warren, it will not change your human nature. You will sometimes be ill and / or in need of care. That is not a failing or a flaw. It is the reality. The relationship that you ultimately want with him will almost certainly need to include that level of trust and intimacy.

I hope you can feel better soon.

gentle hugs,
swan

Florida Dom said...

When you are sick, you need to cut yourself some slack and just think about getting well.

And good luck on you and Warren working things out together again.

FD