Friday, September 24, 2010
Over the hill
Thirty years ago I was cleaning the bathroom and glanced up looking at my reflection in the mirror. I had my hair in two pig tails and I thought to myself, " oh my god !! I look like a kid. I am gonna be 30 !! I need to grow up".
I was almost in a panic. I went out and got my hair all cut off, had it permed and styled and came home looking like my mother. I don't know how long I acted all grown up.. fussing and fuming over the necessity of being an adult, but I do remember the angst of that 30th birthday.
Last week I glanced up at my reflection in the mirror... and was shocked at the woman looking back at me. Who the hell was it??? I look old. I have gray hair and wrinkles and creaky bones. SHIT !! My birthday looms around the corner... and I realize I AM OLD!!
It has been 30 years since I felt such angst over a birthday.. but I am feeling it now......
I look around at the people in my life.. or on the edges of my life.. and I realize I am probably the oldest one. Sometimes I don't even get half of what they do .. or understand half of what they believe in... I feel like it is time for me to step aside... to disappear into the shadows.
I was sitting quietly last night, and I thought 'I just want someone to say I don't look old... that I look good...... that I am not old.... Lie to me.... make me feel better'.. and yet I will know it is a lie.. what's the point???!!!
Baby daughter said "It is only one day in your life... these feelings will pass" but for the first time in my life I am not sure these feelings will pass...
every time I look in the mirror now I will see the truth looking back at me.
I wonder why.... when I was turning 30.... I was so worried about "growing up" - when the day of being grown up - would come oh so fast.