Friday, September 24, 2010

Over the hill


Thirty years ago I was cleaning the bathroom and glanced up looking at my reflection in the mirror. I had my hair in two pig tails and I thought to myself, " oh my god !! I look like a kid. I am gonna be 30 !! I need to grow up".

I was almost in a panic. I went out and got my hair all cut off, had it permed and styled and came home looking like my mother. I don't know how long I acted all grown up.. fussing and fuming over the necessity of being an adult, but I do remember the angst of that 30th birthday.

Last week I glanced up at my reflection in the mirror... and was shocked at the woman looking back at me. Who the hell was it??? I look old. I have gray hair and wrinkles and creaky bones. SHIT !! My birthday looms around the corner... and I realize I AM OLD!!

It has been 30 years since I felt such angst over a birthday.. but I am feeling it now......

I look around at the people in my life.. or on the edges of my life.. and I realize I am probably the oldest one. Sometimes I don't even get half of what they do .. or understand half of what they believe in... I feel like it is time for me to step aside... to disappear into the shadows.

I was sitting quietly last night, and I thought 'I just want someone to say I don't look old... that I look good...... that I am not old.... Lie to me.... make me feel better'.. and yet I will know it is a lie.. what's the point???!!!

Baby daughter said "It is only one day in your life... these feelings will pass" but for the first time in my life I am not sure these feelings will pass...

Cause..

every time I look in the mirror now I will see the truth looking back at me.

I wonder why.... when I was turning 30.... I was so worried about "growing up" - when the day of being grown up - would come oh so fast.

9 comments:

abby said...

OH Morningstar....you and i are the same age....Somehow that is comforting to me. some of the most wonderful things in my life started when i hit 50...why not more wonderful things ahead? Yes, sometimes i wish i were not "old"...but remember..we are not getting older, we are getting better! (and the alternative to aging is not all the inviting)..
abby

Sir said...

THIS IS NOT A LIE.....

You are not old!!! it is just a number and numbers don't make you old only YOU make yourself old and YOU ARE NOT OLD in mind or spirit!!

As for looks, have you looked at me lately? bald, short, fat, winkles but I am not old...

So, get this trough your head please you are not old or ugly !!!!

Warren

Buffalo said...

Old is as old does. Get a grip woman!

Hermione said...

Happy birthday, Morningstar. You are only as old as you feel. Put your hair in pigtails again and have fun!

Hugs,
Hermione

Anonymous said...

I refuse to do the implied arithmetic. ;-)

Best wishes on your natal anniversary!

Oh...and welcome to the wrong side of the hill.

Upton

swan said...

The simple truth is that we are not 30 anymore. I've seen the 20 and 30 - somethings, and I'd not go back there for all the world. They are, of course, young and perky and sure that the world is theirs for the taking. You and I know that life will teach them, just as it has generations that have gone before them.
I, like you, am not always thrilled with the changes that the years have brought. There are diminishments that I dearly regret.
Still, I have plenty of people and things and memories and hopes that I treasure. I imagine you might say the same. Change the lighting, and invest in some smoky mirrors. See what you choose to see, and believe in what you are beyond what those who cannot value anything beyond the fresh-faced, unmarked, and uninteresting sameness of youth.

All the best and many, many more happy birthdays.

swan

Raheretic said...

Dear,beyond concurring with my swan in the comment just before this one, I want to point out you were here with us for two weeks in July, and I certaqinly had occasiion to "examine" you up close and personal. You are not old, and unlike those many you seem to have in your life who are younger than you, I am older. And, I am here to tell you I feel younger than I have felt in 15 years. In that I am feeling way younger, despite my comparatively advanced age relative to yours, I posit you cannot, by inference, be old . If you followed that reasoning, and, in fact, found it persuasive, your issue is not age at all. My dear if you found that to be persuasive, then your issue is significant cognitive challenge, not agedness at all:)

Seriously, I/we had the opportunity to explore life, and values, and experiences in depth with you last summer while you were with us. Yes are bodies are certainly aging, but YOU are in no way aging. I am currently way younger in perspective than I have been in quite sometime and, I flatter myself, that you are right there with me(because I like to think I am joined by younger onelike you, at this point in my life:)

All the best and the happiest of happiests, and too, don't forget Skype still works:)

I hope we connect again soon.

All the best,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

slave freya said...

Dear Morningstar,

Even though I have a few years on you, I have found a trick for when I look in the mirror. It seems that I look a lot younger smiling.

Take care and happy birthday.

slave freya

morningstar said...

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

I still have a month till the doom's day bell........ who knows .. between now and then maybe I will be able to overcome the urge to grow my hair and put it in pig tails (cheeky grin)