Thursday, August 19, 2010

Fraud


I have had 6 months of trying to figure out what went wrong.. what I want.. what the hell is the matter with me !!

I don't promise anyone I have all the answers but I have got some.. see if you can follow the bouncing ball here........

First off - I thought I really wanted to be a submissive. Over the months .. talking to different folk....... I realized that by their definition I had been trying to be slave but I am probably more submissive.

I chewed on that theory a lot !! I do know I hadn't felt comfortable in my own skin for a long time. I did figure out that I had been craving some illusive being that was described all over the net........ but it wasn't me. And I blamed myself for not being able to get "there" ...... to that perfect place of submission.

I have read more than one blog over these 6 months that talk about those illusive slave like behaviours...... and I have been witness to it all first hand in real life - Dom takes control - slave does what she is told, jumps when told to jump, smiles when she feels like screaming, comes and goes and does what she is told when she is told how she is told........... and I suddenly realized it totally completely irritated me.

I also realized that for the better part of 20 years that was what I thought I wanted....... I wanted to be wrapped up in someone's dominance and to be the quintessential slave. I have been suffering from the world's longest sub frenzy known to man... 20+ years of searching frantically for something that I thought would make life perfect.

Problem is - I got irritated with the whole process. And that irritation spread outwards - washing over everyone in its path. Instead that irritation should have spread inwards. I should have been asking myself WHY in god's name I wanted something that didn't fit me. Why in god's name was I still suffering from this madness called "sub frenzy"???!!

Then I had 4 months of bottoming. And we all know what a success that was - NOT! I hated (what I call ) prostituting myself for a little bit of pain with no connection - no real bond - no love . I landed up feeling like some sort of receptacle for someone else's desire to inflict pain. Nothing more than a receiver of pain.

But I came to realize there was something right about it too. For a certain period of time I would wear the leather collar of submission and when the time was over the collar came off and I was the other me again. The strong independent me who ran my life like a well oiled machine....... who enjoyed her life with all its bumps bruises and sunshine too....THAT felt right.

So here I am ........6 months later........ knowing I have been a fool ....... running around in search of something everyone else had .. and I thought I had to have too. Like I said .. acting like some silly lil newbie .. suffering from sub frenzy..

Tomorrow or the day after.. or the day after that.... I hope to be able to explain where I am heading now. What I think will be a more perfect fit for me. I think I am ready to tackle the dreaded "labels" and put them to rest ........ once and for all.

5 comments:

swan said...

It always comes back to the journey to self... no matter our age, that one single endeavor remains our primary bit of personal work.

hugs, swan

Impish1 said...

PLEASE. Stop blaming yourself every time you don't have a perfect answer to what 's what, or what you want. That's the human condition: a constant journey. Sometimes it's relatively smooth and calm, at others, more turbulent and challenging, but you simply must stop calling it all a mistake and faulting yourself. It's frustrating at times, but it's the process of making a life. Be kinder to yourself. Please.

morningstar said...

(smiling) Impish1 take a deep breath and say hummmmmmmmmmm

I am fine honest I am. I am not being hard on myself - only stating the facts. There is a huge part of me that feels by "this age" I should be settled and know what I want - who I am.

I am nothing if not a slow learner (grinning)

I did a lot of growing up this summer and all my writings are simply a reflection of the growth.

I know I am my own worst enemy in a lot of ways and my own worst critic. But that is who I am. shrug.

thanks for caring enough to leave a comment.

Impish1 said...

Okay, I give. But I'm 54, and I intend to keep reinventing myself, and playing with that until they plow me under (actually cremate me, but poetic license). It's just more fun. Hope you find exactly what you're looking for very soon.

Buffalo said...

Maybe ... no, I'm not going to say it.