Thursday, July 15, 2010
Challenge = growth
Challenge = growth shouldn't be too surprising to anyone. If one is challenged and one tackles the challenge......even if they don't succeed the first time - or the second - or the third - they still grow....... because they are learning.
I have no problem with that concept. In fact I am always teaching my kids that at school. Face the challenge head on.. and you will be a better person for it.. you will grow and become stronger.
My two Sirs are always saying they only take on strong submissives. And they encourage them to continue to grow even stronger. Over the last 4 1/2 months I have had more than one person - Dom or sub - it doesn't seem to matter - challenge me to think in new ways...... to question the befores........ learn from them and grow.
No problem ...... right??
Yeah I thought so too.
But I have a huge challenge I have never been able to .. overcome .. for lack of a better word. I have great trouble talking about my feelings.... about stuff that scares me.. about stuff I would like....... oh that isn't to say I can't talk.. hells bells I can talk up a storm.. usually about mundane everyday stuff that doesn't touch me deep inside. I touched on it in yesterday's blog - about my fear of topping from the bottom............... or in my case .. asking for something I really want.
BUT I have always been able to write (duh !! yeah I know .. those of you with gobs of patience have waded through the multitude of words I have written here) ....
This week I sent both Sirs an email. I talked about my feelings ....... scary stuff for me ......... and I told them what I was hoping I could look forward to this weekend.
After the email was sent - I gave myself a pat on the back and a gold star... and then I proceeded to hold my breath....... hoping it was ok.. hoping I hadn't done something wrong........ hoping... well being me just hoping.
Yesterday Sir F and I spent the better part of the day together.... and the topic of the email came up. I was feeling quite proud of myself for putting the words/feelings down and sending them off to them. However - she was not as impressed. (insert BIG sigh here)
She pointed out that writing was in a way the easy way out. I needed to take it one step further.. I needed to actually sit down with them and open my mouth and let the words flow out. They needed to see my body reactions.. they needed to hear the emotion behind the words.. I needed to grow.
And I understand why. I need to change past behaviours. I need to know that no bolt of lightening is gonna come out of the sky and strike me dead for voicing my emotions/needs/wants.
And I think - though I could be very wrong - that I need to give the ones I am sharing with - the right to reach out and hold me when it gets really tough. Writing from a safe distance - still keeps those damn old walls I love so much firmly around me.
This is my challenge.........to break down those walls.......... learn I can talk about emotions and needs and wants .. and that I will grow from the challenge .. not die from it.