Monday, May 03, 2010

Standing Alone

It is very early Monday Morning......... and I have had time to reflect on Saturday's play party....... and how being a "bottom" is different from what I am used to........

I found it a bit difficult to find my "place" with the dominant couple .. with the group... the leather family - whatever name you wish to assign. First off I really have only ever been a "submissive" to one person. AND I was a service sub as much as a play toy. I knew my place and I knew what exactly was expected of me.

The dynamics for a few hours - for an evening of play - is very different from 24/7 (ok ok I can hear you all going DUH!!! and reaching out to slap me upside the back of the head) But being a service sub is ingrained in me....... and that was not what I am now... not what they are looking for.

On the other hand - when I took time to analyse the evening - it was a hidden fantasy of mine.......... to be someone's play thing...... nothing more... just a toy to play with. That fantasy was fulfilled.......... completely and totally.

That is not to say there was no after care...... no no.. there was a whole lot of after care - perhaps more than when one is living with one's dominant. There was a whole lot of cuddling and stroking and talking and just making sure I was coming back to the here and now.

There were also a couple of emails the next day to check up on me.. to make sure I was coping...... doing ok. And the affirmation I had done "good" I had pleased them and lived up to their expectations - perhaps more than lived up to their expectations... which is a damn good feeling!!!

But the reality is, on Sunday, I was on my own to deal with the physical welts / bruises and general soreness that comes after an extremely hard play session. I was alone to deal with the emotions of constant discomfort and just the plain "alone" feelings.

I won't say I didn't wish I couldn't have had someone to snuggle with on Sunday - but then I thought about what I would have had to trade off for that someone .. for that snuggling........ feeding, conversation, someone else's schedules and needs.... and I realized I could handle being alone..... it was ok to be alone... I didn't want the trade off.

Maybe that sounds selfish.... but I rather enjoyed reliving the evening before..... playing it out in my head.. having bits and pieces come back to me.. like little gifts to open and look at and enjoy...... I enjoyed taking hot baths to ease the aches and pains whenever I wanted... I enjoyed staying virtually naked (in a tshirt only) so that nothing rubbed on the welts and bruises.

No I don't know when I will see them again (oh there are promises of a visit this week and more play very soon) but that doesn't really bother me. The world is open to me. I am free to play with whomever I want to. I am free to NOT play with whomever wants to. I am free to live (for now) the life I have dreamed of.

And THAT is a very good thing !!


Heather B said...

Great post... I love the way you look at things. :)

selkie said...

I love how you are putting the positive in your life right now - you rock. It also sounds like a really good thing that you're experiencing right now - I get exactly what you're saying.

swan said...

It seems that your journey is feeding your spirit. There is likely no perfect situation, but I can hear you finding the things you need -- and appreciating that for what it is.

hugs, swan

Orage said...

Dear Morningstar,
If your viral infection is over, all right! But if it isn't, do try this: put unpeeled onions everywhere in your house (living-room, bedroom etc). It has been known to absorb the flu virus when millions of people died in the twenties and protect those who used it.
I've just learnt about it, be sure I'd have told you much earlier had I known.

morningstar said...

Orage - yes :) my mystery bug is over........the doctor kept me home an extra week - to make sure my energy returns and that I am strong enough to go back to the "germ factory" on Monday.

BUT I will remember about the onions.. who knows it might work I will try it if I ever get a mystery bug again (GOD FORBID)

Florida Dom said...

I loved your line that you're free. Yes, you're free to experience new things -- or NOT. You're free to do what you want and enjoy what you like and leave the rest. Enjoy.


Daddys Girl said...

Hi I love reading your posts! Its so nice to get others views on different things. I am a collared slave and love my Daddy very much. BUT.... I do have days that I just want to be free to play or not to play. I love how you express the point that there is the advantages and disadvantages of both sides.

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