Monday, May 03, 2010
It is very early Monday Morning......... and I have had time to reflect on Saturday's play party....... and how being a "bottom" is different from what I am used to........
I found it a bit difficult to find my "place" with the dominant couple .. with the group... the leather family - whatever name you wish to assign. First off I really have only ever been a "submissive" to one person. AND I was a service sub as much as a play toy. I knew my place and I knew what exactly was expected of me.
The dynamics for a few hours - for an evening of play - is very different from 24/7 (ok ok I can hear you all going DUH!!! and reaching out to slap me upside the back of the head) But being a service sub is ingrained in me....... and that was not what I am now... not what they are looking for.
On the other hand - when I took time to analyse the evening - it was a hidden fantasy of mine.......... to be someone's play thing...... nothing more... just a toy to play with. That fantasy was fulfilled.......... completely and totally.
That is not to say there was no after care...... no no.. there was a whole lot of after care - perhaps more than when one is living with one's dominant. There was a whole lot of cuddling and stroking and talking and just making sure I was coming back to the here and now.
There were also a couple of emails the next day to check up on me.. to make sure I was coping...... doing ok. And the affirmation I had done "good" I had pleased them and lived up to their expectations - perhaps more than lived up to their expectations... which is a damn good feeling!!!
But the reality is, on Sunday, I was on my own to deal with the physical welts / bruises and general soreness that comes after an extremely hard play session. I was alone to deal with the emotions of constant discomfort and just the plain "alone" feelings.
I won't say I didn't wish I couldn't have had someone to snuggle with on Sunday - but then I thought about what I would have had to trade off for that someone .. for that snuggling........ feeding, conversation, someone else's schedules and needs.... and I realized I could handle being alone..... it was ok to be alone... I didn't want the trade off.
Maybe that sounds selfish.... but I rather enjoyed reliving the evening before..... playing it out in my head.. having bits and pieces come back to me.. like little gifts to open and look at and enjoy...... I enjoyed taking hot baths to ease the aches and pains whenever I wanted... I enjoyed staying virtually naked (in a tshirt only) so that nothing rubbed on the welts and bruises.
No I don't know when I will see them again (oh there are promises of a visit this week and more play very soon) but that doesn't really bother me. The world is open to me. I am free to play with whomever I want to. I am free to NOT play with whomever wants to. I am free to live (for now) the life I have dreamed of.
And THAT is a very good thing !!