Well at least i am *starting* to fit the pieces back together.. trying to see what fits where and how.
There are still big blank spaces............ but here's what i have so far...........
A month ago i gave W back all the toys and i do mean all of them. i didn't want / couldn't think of myself ever being spanked or wanting to be spanked again. i didn't want to kneel before anyone again.. i didn't want any part of D/s or BDSM .. any of it.
(and so the time frame is clear - the giving back of the toys came BEFORE the following)
i think the biggest shock i had came from talking to youngest daughter and finding out that the "family" (and that includes my ex) had been discussing my relationship with W long before it ended. And they didn't like it at all. That was a huge shock. What i realized was that i had broken my own personal "no fly zone" in continuing our D/s relationship in front of vanilla - ok maybe they were family - but it wasn't appropriate. And the biggest surprise i had ... it wasn't my girls that were as upset as my sons-in-law, who felt i wasn't being treated with respect or love.... apparently they were ready to take W aside and have a "little talk" with him. (which in my opinion would have turned out very badly)
Sometimes we all get caught up in our own world .. in our own belief system .. and turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to those around us.. sometimes to those we care the most for.
And in all this trying to fit things back together........ a conversation held at a BDSM club between W and another sub came back to slap me upside the head. He had been high on a scene we had just had (one that came out of the blue and wasn't exactly what i had in mind) W asked the sub if she would like "that" and her answer was ..... "if any dom did that to me - he would get his face slapped - my Dom would NEVER do that to me". i can still see the look she gave me as she walked away. And it made me start to question if we were too full of the bullshit that is online..... too sure that the only way to be a Dom or a sub - was to play to extremes with no safe words - no "by your leave". (i am probably not explaining this well........ but you have to remember these are all the bits and pieces i have been sorting through to find out WHO and WHAT i am now)
And i have had a few conversations with other Doms since the break up... who talked about how they did things..... and i started to see another side of this world. i always thought a good sub did exactly what HE wanted.. took it and sucked it up. and kept on going. But that wasn't working for me - after 9 years.... wasn't working at all.
and i will say here and now.. for all to read...... I DO NOT BLAME W FOR ANY OF THIS !!!
It took two of us to create the relationship we had...... right or wrong. It was fun at the beginning ....... it was a fitting in with the internet world - and to some degree with the BDSM community around us. We BOTH had a strong need to do it one better than everyone else !! We both made mistakes........ and i am dealing with the mistakes *I* made and don't want to make again!!
And so here i am now.............. putting a piece of the puzzle back into place - well maybe a couple of pieces.
ONE - i no longer want to flaunt my good submissive-ness in front of anyone other than the Dominant i am with at the time. i do not want this lifestyle to spill over and affect my family in any way shape or form. i have nothing to prove to anyone...
TWO - IF (and that is a big IF) i ever return to BDSM it will be behind closed doors and it will be private. i get no thrill from humiliation 0r the chance of being caught.
THREE - IF (and that too is a big IF) i ever decide to look for a Dominant - He will not want an object - a thing - he will not believe that submissives should be seen and not heard... he will value my experience - my knowledge - he will validate my feelings and my fears. (especially my fears)
FOUR - i will - IF i ever go back to the lifestyle - have a firm written in stone - hard limits list. and it will NOT be tweaked or played with - it will be respected.
FIVE - the values that were taught to me at my mother's knee will not be open for discussion. They are the foundation of who i am. i can not nor will i allow my foundation to be shaken to it's core. It is a belief system that has stood me in good stead for 50+ years it is WHO i am!
And so i have almost fit the submissive piece - that is me - back in the puzzle .. i need to still work out a couple of points.. one being.. am i really a masochist?? or was that all hype??? i was afraid i had lost all that once gave me joy..... but i have discovered it is not gone... only hiding away until i was ready to look at it ... honestly and truthfully ...... and then move forward from there.
and for the record......... this is not about W and it is not about YOU - those of you who may lay it all on the line.. and give over everything that makes you you to a Dominant. This is my journey to finding myself NOW.... and it is my limping forward. So please do NOT take offense...... it is not about you....... but it is all about me!