Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Fitting the pieces together - part 1

Well at least i am *starting* to fit the pieces back together.. trying to see what fits where and how.

There are still big blank spaces............ but here's what i have so far...........

A month ago i gave W back all the toys and i do mean all of them. i didn't want / couldn't think of myself ever being spanked or wanting to be spanked again. i didn't want to kneel before anyone again.. i didn't want any part of D/s or BDSM .. any of it.

(and so the time frame is clear - the giving back of the toys came BEFORE the following)

i think the biggest shock i had came from talking to youngest daughter and finding out that the "family" (and that includes my ex) had been discussing my relationship with W long before it ended. And they didn't like it at all. That was a huge shock. What i realized was that i had broken my own personal "no fly zone" in continuing our D/s relationship in front of vanilla - ok maybe they were family - but it wasn't appropriate. And the biggest surprise i had ... it wasn't my girls that were as upset as my sons-in-law, who felt i wasn't being treated with respect or love.... apparently they were ready to take W aside and have a "little talk" with him. (which in my opinion would have turned out very badly)

Sometimes we all get caught up in our own world .. in our own belief system .. and turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to those around us.. sometimes to those we care the most for.

And in all this trying to fit things back together........ a conversation held at a BDSM club between W and another sub came back to slap me upside the head. He had been high on a scene we had just had (one that came out of the blue and wasn't exactly what i had in mind) W asked the sub if she would like "that" and her answer was ..... "if any dom did that to me - he would get his face slapped - my Dom would NEVER do that to me". i can still see the look she gave me as she walked away. And it made me start to question if we were too full of the bullshit that is online..... too sure that the only way to be a Dom or a sub - was to play to extremes with no safe words - no "by your leave". (i am probably not explaining this well........ but you have to remember these are all the bits and pieces i have been sorting through to find out WHO and WHAT i am now)

And i have had a few conversations with other Doms since the break up... who talked about how they did things..... and i started to see another side of this world. i always thought a good sub did exactly what HE wanted.. took it and sucked it up. and kept on going. But that wasn't working for me - after 9 years.... wasn't working at all.

and i will say here and now.. for all to read...... I DO NOT BLAME W FOR ANY OF THIS !!!

It took two of us to create the relationship we had...... right or wrong. It was fun at the beginning ....... it was a fitting in with the internet world - and to some degree with the BDSM community around us. We BOTH had a strong need to do it one better than everyone else !! We both made mistakes........ and i am dealing with the mistakes *I* made and don't want to make again!!

And so here i am now.............. putting a piece of the puzzle back into place - well maybe a couple of pieces.

ONE - i no longer want to flaunt my good submissive-ness in front of anyone other than the Dominant i am with at the time. i do not want this lifestyle to spill over and affect my family in any way shape or form. i have nothing to prove to anyone...

TWO - IF (and that is a big IF) i ever return to BDSM it will be behind closed doors and it will be private. i get no thrill from humiliation 0r the chance of being caught.


THREE - IF (and that too is a big IF) i ever decide to look for a Dominant - He will not want an object - a thing - he will not believe that submissives should be seen and not heard... he will value my experience - my knowledge - he will validate my feelings and my fears. (especially my fears)

FOUR - i will - IF i ever go back to the lifestyle - have a firm written in stone - hard limits list. and it will NOT be tweaked or played with - it will be respected.

FIVE - the values that were taught to me at my mother's knee will not be open for discussion. They are the foundation of who i am. i can not nor will i allow my foundation to be shaken to it's core. It is a belief system that has stood me in good stead for 50+ years it is WHO i am!

And so i have almost fit the submissive piece -
that is me - back in the puzzle .. i need to still work out a couple of points.. one being.. am i really a masochist?? or was that all hype??? i was afraid i had lost all that once gave me joy..... but i have discovered it is not gone... only hiding away until i was ready to look at it ... honestly and truthfully ...... and then move forward from there.

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and for the record......... this is not about W and it is not about YOU - those of you who may lay it all on the line.. and give over everything that makes you you to a Dominant. This is my journey to finding myself NOW.... and it is my limping forward. So please do NOT take offense...... it is not about you....... but it is all about me!

7 comments:

Impish1 said...

I think we can only gain by finding out who were and what we want. It is a lifelong process for us all.

Anonymous said...

It's ~~A, the "Reluctant Anonymous Commenter, aka Nice Anonymous" :)

You said: "i always thought a good sub did exactly what HE wanted.. took it and sucked it up. and kept on going."

Yeah. I read this attitude on a lot of subby blogs and it's painful to read. Because if you're going against your own core values and awareness of self and questioning what is going on, then it's not fun and not fulfilling and it can be very unhealthy. Here's what I think after lo these many years (7) identifying officially as sub and having sexual/romantic sub feelings since I was a child:

It's fantasy. All of it. There are no masters or slaves, not really, just people trying to create a world that is pleasurable and fulfilling for them. Like creating a novel or movie. There is a very real urge to enjoy such things and you might wish with all your heart that the characters were real but they can never truly be.

But in order to enjoy the movie/book/whatever, you have to suspend your sense of reality to gain the full effect. How much fun would it be to watch, "The Empire Strikes Back" telling yourself the whole time, "Ah, it's just a movie, that's fake, look at that, oh THAT'S fake". Not much fun, IMO.

Same for D/s; it's WAY more fun when you suspend reality. You really are an abject sub at His feet, he truly is Master of you, etc., etc. Turns me on just to write such things. :)

It was very intense when my husband and I suspended reality for a few years when we first ran across all this. We are naturally D/s anyway, it was a blast.

But it couldn't last at that intensity. Because in reality, he makes mistakes and so do I. In reality, I was unhappy with some of the things he thought were good things. And I didn't want to speak up because I wanted to be the "good sub", so I stuffed down my unhappiness over certain aspects and he didn't know because I hadn't spoken up about it, being all "good subby" and all, yatta, everything you say here.

And of course it's not just W's fault and the people who have commented here saying such are complete asses; he's beating himself up on his blog because he thought he was doing the correct thing. You both thought you were doing the correct thing.

And I think you're right, IMO; online M/s-D/s chatter and blogs and all the pressure from others ("am I doing it right? ARE WE DOING IT RIGHT?") can spin this kind of experience out far too much into realms many find very uncomfortable.

Neither of you did anything *wrong*, IMO. You took a fantasy concept, based upon very real urges, no doubt about that part, I know, because I have similar urges, but still, you took a fantasy world and tried to make it too real. That's all. That's not so bad, eh? :)

Don't worry about what or who you think you are right now. You are still you, time will shake things out for you and time will make it all much clearer.

Neither of you did anything maliciously, you both thought you were doing the right thing, I believe that, I validate you in that. :)

Have you ever noticed that most if not all the people who experiment with some form of BDSM are more intelligent than not? That's because the ability to believe in two opposing views *at the same time* is intellectually fairly difficult to do.

You guys pushed it a little too hard, that's all. Many MANY couples do this and there is conflict and confusion, I read it about it a lot, most of them aren't even aware they are doing it. Just like you guys.

I hope you both stop beating yourself up, you tried to do something that made you both ecstatic in the beginning, there is nothing wrong with that. The fact that it went too far, well...sometimes that can happen. Especially in this whole BDSM world. I hope I made some sense or helped in some way, I'm just blabbing here, off the cuff as it hits my little brain. :) {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

SPANKEDHORTIC said...

Missed yesterdays post, sorry to hear about your lurgy and hope that the improvement cycle starts soon.

This post hit a spot, I believe that it is important to know where you want to be with play and relationships. It also looks like it will be better for any future Top or Dom that you might meet, in that they will have a good idea where the book ends are regarding what is expected of them.

Prefectdt

swan said...

I think this line of thinking seems very positive. It is possible, certainly, to travel along a path without much of a vision or sense of what we are after. Doing that very seldom ends us up in a place where we wanted to be. Better to have a plan and a destination in mind from the outset -- and better to check periodically to see if the course remains true.
I think it is very difficult to build a relationship and maintain that relationship in just the way that you and a partner see it when there is so much pressure on all of us to conform and "be more." How much better off we would all be if we would learn that the necessary comparison is within -- are we who and what we might be or become at our very best?

swan

Raheretic said...

I rule my househjold with complete control! I frequently (daily) do that with the explicit input, and sometimes strongly expressed dissent of my slave and submissive parterners. I can absolutely ignore them. I sometimes (rarely) do. I am empowered to always ignore their feelings and perspectives. I am not stupid. I don't.

Post-mortemizing is valuable as a learning experience. It is more valuable as part of healing. Moving on to a vibarnt life is better yet.

It seems to me, in what I read here, that you feel that you will not engage in D/s again (like this is optonal) and likely this phase of your life is past.

At the risk of being trite and very cliche I will say to you:

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

It really is a way of life. It isn't just an interesting Thoseau quote.

Tom

P. S. I hope you are feelng at least some better.

d.lallie said...

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feeling. I am fairly new to the M/s world and I so enjoy reading the perspective of others and learning from them. I don't feel pressure by how others live their BDSM lives but it sometimes make me stop an think about my journey. I know this isn't an easy time for you (especially being ill) but you do express yourself so well here. Thank you again.

Orage said...

Thank you, Morningstar, this is a truly enlightening post. The comments are very useful, too.
I'll read everything again more slowly as this is just a line of thought I was looking for.