Monday, March 22, 2010

Biggies

i have been dealing with small issues this past two weeks.. things like freeing myself from protocols and rituals (i've already listed them and talked about them)

But i have been avoiding the big issues..... well not avoiding.. just not ready to face them ... and deal with them....

i have been sorting them out.... naming them (so to speak)

i spent a lot of time feeling guilty that i didn't spend more time with my daughters and my grandbabies.. but the weekends were so short... and i wanted to spend as much time as possible with W.... and so i feel as though i have neglected my family.

i used to love to travel....... every summer for the 20+ years i was married ... i planned a family holiday...... and we travelled.. touristy stuff.. and sitting on beaches reading .. basking in the warm sunshine... When my marriage ended i bought a cottage and spent my summers sitting on the dock in the sunshine reading and basking in the sunlight.. and in March i would go travel - usually south. And when i moved out (finally) on my own.... i planned a big trip to New Mexico and immersed myself in the touristy stuff. i haven't traveled like that in over 9 years........... i need to travel.. i need to see new places.. laugh and find my joy again........ and i AM going to do it .......

Sex and sensual feelings were a biggy for me........ i was once (before W) accused of liking sex too much...... of needing it too much........ and i think i came to a place where i was terrified to have those feelings .. of something being wrong with me.....
and it happened again with W........i needed/wanted more and it all made me feel so unsubbie.. and so bad.. maybe even a little dirty.......

And the mother of biggies......... my feelings about being submissive...... now. i sent virtually all the toys home with W......... i don't want to see them .. i don't want to think about them.. about the pain they gave me... about the arousal i felt from that pain.... and serving.. how does it all fit into my life now.........

The easy big ones have been dealt with... i have plans to interact with my family more..... lots more......... and the traveling.. well if i can save my pennies there is no reason i can't travel again.. why shouldn't i have adventures again??

BUT

the two biggies.. sex and submissive....... well i am still trying to find a thread to catch on to..... to start unwinding the feelings and work my way forward ......

ohhhh and i just thought of one other biggy that keeps niggling at me ....... what happens to The Journey ....when this is all over....... does it go vanilla?? does it disappear?? how can it stay a journal of my life as a submissive??


13 comments:

Sir said...

I always felt that I was holding you back :-( now you have shown Me you were.

I am very happy you are going to spend more time your family ( I am going to miss Pigpen ) and travel too. It is strange for a person that always hated traveling more than 2hrs you want to travel, guess it was the company.

Like you always said to Me, you were a tough old bird well it shows and I am happy for you.

I would say to stay in touch but I am sure like your daughters you will have nothing more to do with me, I just guess I was more hated than I ever knew :-(

Good Luck,Good Wishes

Warren

Anonymous said...

well..that last one is easy..at least to my way of thinking...we still are vested in your journey..whether it be vanilla, chocolate or sprinkled....the journey...that is what life is really all about...
linda

dara said...

Heck, I'm not even sure I'd be writing if I were to hold to the terms of being a submissive 'cause, in reality, I'm probably not. At least not by most peoples' standards - not any more. You're still on a Journey, though, regardless of the destination. Maybe a 'move' is in order for a fresh start but there's no reason to stop writing and you can count me as a reader either way.

Florida Dom said...

I doubt the submissive feelings will go away entirely. They are part of who you are. Hopefully, you can come to terms with them.

And keep blogging even if you're in a vanilla staqe. Your readers care about you regardless of what stage of your life you're in.

FD

Impish1 said...

Your journey continues; it's up to you where it goes.

It is hard when one's desire for sexuality is greater than one's partner, but if you google or read, you will find you are far from alone. It is more common in a relationship than for a couple to be evenly matched. It creates feelings of inferiority or "being wrong" for both. Be who you are. Don't grab less of life, just take the time to figure out who you are and what you want.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a regular reader but I thought I'd just leave a note of support.

Having gone through a similar and perplexing change in my submissiveness, I can relate to you. Try to resist doing what I did, driving myself crazy for a while by trying to find a new label to "fit" me and mourning what I thought was the "death" of who I was. None of that was really true, I was/am still me.

It's okay if you feel vanilla, it's okay if you feel sub. I went back and forth and to be honest, I'm still something in-between the two. Sometimes I feel/want to be very sub, other times I most certainly do not.

And that's okay. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It's my sexuality, my life, my feelings. Luckily I have a man who loves me despite my silliness and we have been very successful and happy in staying together throughout any and all changes.

What is important is that you are *happy* and fulfilled. Life is far too short to go through it being unhappy and feeling like you failed.

One thing I always disliked about the BDSM world was the extreme focus on status and labels. Although I well understand the appeal of all that, first hand; it's very exciting to think about and practice but if you honestly have a change of heart, there is just no wiggle room for most. And that's just plain silly. I mean, if a person chooses to be a slave/sub all their lives and they enjoy that the whole way, good for them. But if that person becomes unhappy in a role that once brought them joy, then it is their personal duty to accept it and change their lives accordingly. There is absolutely no shame in that.

So kudos to you for realizing this and moving in the direction you need to at this point in your life. I see a great many people who live in denial and they make themselves miserable, sometimes for years, playing out roles and feelings they no longer feel the same way about.

Life is too short to try and force yourself to be something you're not or live in a way that makes you unhappy. A friend of my best friend just dropped dead the other day at 50 years of age. She was vacuuming and they found her with the vacuum still running. She was not sick at all, was very youthful. Just dropped dead of a stroke.

Life. Very short. So live it well while you're here. Travel, see your family, do what you like, feel what you need and please try not to stress over your sexuality the way I did; it will be what it will be. Try to let go of worry. Great good luck to you!

"This above all: to thine own self be true" ~ The Bard

morningstar said...

wow........ i read the comments today and of course fixated on Sir's response...

then i forced myself to read further..... and it still totally completely boggles my mind the wisdom and support that comes from those who read my ramblings.

There are no words - none - that can adequately express my thanks to all of you...... you all keep me going - honestly you do !!!

morningstar

Anonymous said...

now you have proven that I was right about you all along...
you are a horrible , nasty person who doesn't care about who you hurt along the way...
He was too good for you....

Sir said...

Anonymous,

You owe morningstar one hell of an apology !!! She doesn't deserve those nasty words you have used EVER!!

She isn't anything you have said !!!

She is a VERY CARING person !!!

Warren

Blade said...

"The Journey" (the blog) is about your life's journey. Not about your life's journey as a submissive, slave, or any other label you choose to stick on yourself.

It's about you, and what you experience, and what you live. "Vanilla", "kinky" or otherwise, we'll keep reading.

Anonymous said...

very well then, sir/warren , since you are the one who would know the most,I retract the comment and give my sincerest apology to morningstar .

I am truly sorry for the words used..

selkie said...

Anonymous, once again, you have proved what a coward and a cretin you are. I am positive that your craven attitude, underhanded ways and small-minded attitude make your life a misery - funny how pathetic souls like you find the little pleasure you have in life in attacking those who have so much more than you - in terms of soul, personality and heart.

You have also obviously never been in any time of real relationship or you would realize that when people part, they do so for their own PRIVATE reasons. I respect greatly morningstar's and Sir's reticience and dignity in keeping their private business PRIVATE.

and morningstar, who you are is who you have always been, complicated, passionate, caring, sensitive and REAL. I agree with everyone here... the Journey is STILL a journey .... just a different path than you anticipated .. but you love travelling, hun.. embrace it and look ahead.

Sir said...

Thank you selkie for those words!!

I would beat the hell out that person for saying those words, but I would think that is what they are looking for, personally I am just going to ignore that person and I would suggest EVERYONE else do the same!! Shame we can't block that person !!

Thank you again selkie for those words and to morningstar you NEVER EVER deserve words like those !!!

Warren