Monday, January 11, 2010

Quiet

Sometimes life just up and bites ya in the ass ...... ya know??

Exactly 2 years ago the docs found something in my uterus .. scary something... i went through the biopsy from hell - without any freezing local or otherwise.. i went through 3 months of swallowing lil pills that made me sick and tired and depressed... BUT ... after one more biopsy from hell - i got a clean bill of health..

i went for my annual check up at the end of November this year. My doc told me that she felt something in my breast.... she signed the papers for a quick mammogram........ quick being this past Saturday at 9:00 am.

i have kept it all locked up tight in my heart .... there was after all Christmas to get through........ and Christmas is a happy time.. not a time for worries .......... BUT it started on January 4th. The worry .. the stress.. the out and out FEAR.

i have mangled my breasts till they are bruised ........ and i still can not feel anything............ a glimmer of hope?? or am i just grabbing at straws.

i try and try - as much as i can not to do the 'what if's' or the 'should have's' or the 'could have's' ........ without a whole lot of success i might add.

My mind goes to all those times my breasts were bound up tight .. purple tight... i think of all the needles that slipped so easily into all that delicate tissue........ and i wonder if my desire.. my need for pain is the reason i am in this spot today..........

Do you ever wonder about the effects BDSM has on your body?? Do you ever worry about it?? i have said many times that this is NOT safe ... but i entered into it willingly......... yeah there was the thought in the back of my mind about breast tumours.. damaged breast tissue......... and maybe that is why ....... over the last few years i can barely think about binding my breasts .. or sticking needles into them.. or clamping them............... (shrug) who knows???

i entered into it willingly and eagerly ......... and now i worry and stress and am so scared there are no words to describe it.......... (and no i do NOT blame Sir's desires .. this is all on my shoulders.. mine alone)

And so it was a quiet weekend....... me curled up in a tight lil ball on my chair.... feeling lost and scared.. and doing so much crying there shouldn't be any tears left.. poor Sir trying the best He could to support and cheer and be positive.

i have asked before......... and i am asking again........... if you believe in fairies...... please clap........ and keep clapping till Wednesday (when i see my doc and get the results)

13 comments:

PKB said...

Clapping like mad for you here! In my thought and prayers! Hugs!

Paula

BlazngScarlet said...

I shall clap and clap and clap.
AS long as I don't GET 'the clap'.
:D

Sorry ... trying to cheer you.
I remember when you had the biopsy and how awful it all was.
Try and stay positive morningstar, and again, I shall clap till my hands bleed.

*clap, clap, clap*

SPANKEDHORTIC said...

Will clap until my hands are sore. I hope that Wednesday brings the best sort of news.

Prefectdt

Anonymous said...

All the best for you, clap my hands and push my thums, as we say in Germany. All the best for wednesday and for the very happy long rest of your life.
Katja

Anonymous said...

Sorry, should be "thumbs". And of course I believe in faries. All the best for you and your Sir.
Katja

Hisflower said...

i shall clap and clap and clap too...i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers... but i will think positive- all will be well and you will get a clean bill of health..sending you tight warm ~~~~~~hugs~~~~~~~~~
Hisflower

selkie said...

keeping fingers crossed and clapping ... but dear morningstar - our boobs tend to get "lumpy" as we get older - and your doctor is most likely being VERY careful - which is a good thing .. but like you, I would worry. Clap Clap Clap...

viemoira said...

Thinking of you and hoping for you! *claps*

butterfly said...

Clapping here too.

butterfly

swan said...

Dear morningstar --
Of course, I and we will clap loud and long, and annoy all the fairies until they see to what it is you need.
I've gone through I don't know how many mammograms that were triggered by lumps that I found, and sometimes by lumps that doctors found. It is a harrowing experience, and the waiting is the very worst of it.
Whatever this is, or isn't, I am entirely sure that it is an artifact of growing older, and has nothing at all to do with your penchant for BDSM play. Stop tormenting yourself with that awful notion.
Just keep your head up, and know that we will all be out here, thinking of you (and your Sir) on Wednesday.

hugs, swan (and the Clan)

Anonymous said...

we are thinking about you!

starla

Dae said...

*clapping*

drakor66 said...

red hands ans till clapping