Tuesday, September 22, 2009
i have been doing a lot of thinking recently (based mostly on readings from fetlife etc) about the beginnings of a BDSM relationship.......... and the excitement and the getting to know you... and the lists of do's and don'ts... all the newbie stuff.
One of the biggies in starting a BDSM relationship .. and is on most checklists .. are questions about health issues. And i am wondering how honest people are when they fill that bit in............ the mundane - not so exciting - information.
i remember Sir and i talked a lot about His heart condition and His diabetes... and we have discussed with others in the lifestyle at munches and play parties about health issues.. but then (joy oh joy!!) we have reached an age where health can become a problem.
A couple of weeks ago when we were away at that private play party ........ the discussion got around to "oooops" moments. And the one that stands out so clearly in my mind.. that happened to Sir and i.... was a punishment Sir imposed on me on a Sunday.
i had been mouthy with Him.. and He sent me an email and told me to put a strip of duct tape across my mouth. i was not allowed to remove it - except to eat meals or answer the phone. i was a good lil subbie and did as i was instructed. Not once did i think about health issues.. or allergies. i took the tape off to eat.. and to answer the 2 phone calls i received. By dinner time the area around my mouth was itching like crazy. i texted Sir and asked for permission to remove the duct tape explaining i was going mad with the itching. He granted it.
Well when i took the tape off... the area where the adhesive had been was red and bubbly and itchy !! It looked awful. Then .. and only then .. did i remember i was allergic to adhesives........ for some stupid blonde moment....... i did not equate duct tape with adhesives.
Monday morning i went off to work with this big red patch all around my mouth. The first person i met as i entered school (as luck would have it) was the school nurse. She immediately flew into a panic and asked me what the rash was........i had not come up with a plausible answer .. and was kinda mumbling and stuttering.. when she said... "OH MY GOD!! you must have eaten something you are allergic to!" i smiled sweetly .. breathed a huge sigh of relief and agreed.. i HAD eaten something.
That ooooooops moment made me go back and rethink my list of health issues... small things like allergies to adhesives can have serious ramifications.
i wonder how many people are completely upfront and honest when meeting a new sub or Dom about their health issues. Oh the obvious things like heart conditions and diabetes are easy to discuss (and can be quite worrisome at the beginning) but what about conditions we don't like to discuss... things that are dirty lil secrets.. or public opinion sees them as dirty lil secrets. Are we as quick to discuss them with future partners??
i have a rule - a hard limit - i guess you can say......... no exchange of bodily fluids.. i don't care how much you want me to eat your submissive.. or give you a bj........ it ain't happening on a casual basis, without protection!! Toys and ropes are not shared unless *i* can wash them in boiling water with javel.
But there are other secret ailments that people don't talk about. i had one... and it took me a long time to discuss it with Sir. i had seen a therapist (once upon a time) for an event that happened in my youth. i had grown up.. got treatment.. moved on.......... it didn't seem important to discuss it with Him ...........until that day when He did something that opened up a long shut/locked memory. And i fell apart.
i am thinking it is important to have complete disclosure on all health issues.. mental..physical.. ALL of 'em. It is only fair to the person you are building a relationship with - to have all the ins and outs.. no matter how secret or painful they are.......... otherwise how can they be prepared for that one moment when a skeleton rattles out of a long closed/locked door and shakes your world??
i was also thinking........ with all this 'hurry up and play with me' going on......... there are a whole lot of areas not being discussed......... at least i assume they aren't. Cause would you tell a virtual stranger, an acquaintance......... about mental health issues?? i don't think so..............
Just another reason (in my humble opinion) to slow down the rush to find someone... Complete disclosure is important....... and should be respected.