Tuesday, June 23, 2009

words and words are all i have.........


"this world has lost its glory
let's start a brand new story
now my love
You think that i don't even mean
a single word i say

it's only words...........
and words are all i have"

Of all the caring supportive emails i have received over the last 2 or 3 weeks there was one... one that dared to say it as it is........... (or how they saw it.. which as it turns out is pretty damn close to how it is) ..........
if you go back and read your posts I am betting you will see you spend a whole lot more time wanting him to serve your needs rather than the other way around.

Sir said almost the same thing this past Sunday........ almost... not quite as bluntly but still .. almost the same thing..........

i cried on Sunday........ because i didn't recognize the woman Sir was describing...and yet in my heart of hearts i did... shrew comes to mind.. YES shrew!! or spoiled... self centered... gimme gimme... not graceful .. not gracious .. not even submissive... i have lied............... to everyone including myself.......

i have begged...... yes begged..... to be forgiven.. to be given a chance to redeem myself...

For both of us.. yes both of US........ to start again.. to knock down all the mess that has accumulated on the foundation that was once US...... and try to rebuild from the foundation up....... a better relationship..

It is going to be a long road... a hard rocky road........ there are things in front of me that scare the living day lights out of me.. push my limits.. make me grow... teach me to be stronger in my submission.... teach me to be stronger period.

AND hard limits aren't just kinky.. hard limits can and are vanilla things too.... it will be my job to take care of me .. in some ways.. not close my eyes... shove my head in the sand and hope it all just goes away.. the bad things..the tough things.. the scary things...... stand up and be counted

AND it will be more than words..... more than empty promises... and it will be me..working hard... changing improving... listening... and doing... showing that it is indeed more than empty words.. more than empty promises...

And i have started... from something as simple as wearing the leather collar tight around my neck... to coming back here to the blog.... and writing......... i didn't know.. i honestly didn't know that this was important to Sir.. my writing... there was a lot i didn't know mattered.. i know now...

And so .. a brand new journey begins....

14 comments:

CLoud said...

I wish you well on the new journey

selkie said...

morningstar, life is all about change and new beginnings. It is paths we take that we never saw and then hacking through the mess of forest to find the one our feet were meant to be on. It's hitting what we think is a dead end only to suddenly see there is a little space for us to wiggle through.

And sometimes, sometimes, we need to break things down and figure out what hasn't worked and make it all over again - but this time, THIS time, make it more solid, stronger and more beautiful.

BlazngScarlet said...

There are times when we do indeed have to break it all down so we can build it back up.
Better, stronger.

I wish you both well, and am keeping you close in thoughts still.

swan said...

The beginning of submission is knowing what is required; what is important. Of all the millions of choices (and yes, I use that word deliberately) that a submissive partner makes each day with regard to serving, which ones are important? If we do not know that, the odds of our being successful are very slim.

I hope that, as painful as this has been for you both, that the outcome is a clearer sense of what actually matters in your relationship. That is the essential stuff from which you will each build.

I am sorry that there is fear and sadness and shame and hurt in this moment, but I am convinced that you will grow and become what you and your Sir envision.

All the best,
swan

Jelly said...

I wish you all the best on this new journey

*hugs*

Robin said...

morningstar, I am sorry that you both are feeling such pain right now. I truly hope you come through this better and stronger than you were before.
Robin

anna said...

This is a very hopeful post. I'm happy for you... for both of you.

Hisflower said...

i think alot of us can take your advice morningstar... it becomes easy to say i am submissive, but the next words out of our mouths are "i want this or that"... you have given me pause for thought.. thank you for that.. see, even when you are trying to fix your own relationship, you help me see things too.
hugs,
Hisflower

Buffalo said...

I'd like to leave a witty comment. I'd like to, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen.

Anonymous said...

you have hurt others

sin said...

Anonymous, do you really need to say something spiteful here? How mean of you.

She has helped others too.

I think like Swan said, some of it is about knowing His priorities, having them as explicit as possible.

Good luck on your journey.

sin

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your honest posts. I am glad to have found your blog.
- Violet

Anonymous said...

bitch

littleone said...

To: anonymous with the nasty mouth..

you really should get a life you know..