Sunday, June 14, 2009

In the quiet of the early morning

It is very early morning... the sky is lightening and the birds are singing (and oh yeah .. the damn cat in heat is screaming outside my bedroom window)

and i have come here... to write... because it seems in the early morning quiet is when the words come.........

i have been thinking these last few days that it has been 8 1/2 years that i have been following rules and routines and protocols set down by Sir... 8 1/2 years !!! i hadn't realized how much of an integral part of my life they had become......... until......... now

i can't honestly tell you what has happened.. what IS happening... perhaps if you read Sir's blog (here) you will get a better picture........ all i know is that for now i am alone....

i sat yesterday staring at the computer - like it was gonna tell me what to do..... sat staring at it frozen like......... and my mind went off on a little tangent...... and i thought to myself .. how many people ... no not people.. how many submissives talk about the shock to the system it is when suddenly with virtually no warning... there are no more rules .. no more protocols.. no more routines to follow. Not many.. there are no suggestions how to make it better.. it is worse than sub drop...... 100 times worse !!! Someone should write about it... talk about.. find some way through the mire....

OH i know Sir would say i am still collared therefore i should still follow the rules .. the protocols .. the routines.......... but why?? that is where i am on this journey right now.. screaming into the computer WHY???

Sir is navel gazing... does He have time for me now?? i think not!!! does He have time to worry if i follow the rules the protocols the routines??? i think not !!

And so i am left without an anchor .. without expectations...

i looked at my favourite vibrator yesterday and thought to myself .. i could.. COULD .. play with myself.. i COULD give myself multiple orgasms if i wanted to.. but i didn't..........

When i go to bed i look at the nighties i have and i thought i could.. COULD .. wear one now if i wanted to........ but i didn't

When i get dressed in the morning i think i could wear a tshirt and shorts and UNDERWEAR if i wanted to....... but i haven't.

i catch myself stopping before entering the living room and think to myself - what the HELL are you doing?? but i still stop.....

the clock ticks off the hours and i find myself planning Sir's next meal...... but i don't cook...........

i have the television clicker to myself.. but i don't watch the shows i would like i find myself watching what we always watch together.........

And i am doing all these things for Him.......because He taught me to........ He beat them into me.........


But now the sun is up... and the words have dried up........ if they were meant to go somewhere i have lost the direction.........

11 comments:

subtletimes said...

8 1/2 years of habits are not something that will be broken over night.

Reading your Sir's blog, I'm not sure he really understands how you feel or what you want. He seems very confused and unsure of how to make the situation better (although he wants to...)

I always enjoy reading your thoughts on a variety of topics. Perhaps the numbers have dropped off because people also enjoyed reading about your daily life and struggles - not just about bdsm. I realise that it's difficult for you to write about your work and that side of things, but I do miss it.

Anonymous said...

Patience is not something i do well, but if you can find it, perhaps you can weather your Sir's confusion and frustration. Perhaps like others, he just needs some time to figure things out, and once he does, you will want to be there, waiting for him.
Sir's pet

BlazngScarlet said...

I am keeping you, and Sir in my thoughts dearest one ...
You two have come through many storms, personal, medical and otherwise, I have faith that this too will shall work out.

Till then, chin up, boobs out and know that you are loved.

Hisflower said...

i read this early this morning, and im back reading here again... i still dont know anything else to say to you that the others have not...just be patient- keep the things that you know in your heart to be truth, tight in your heart...dont let doubt take over. im sending you and your Sir sooo many warm hugs..
Hisflower

Anonymous said...

I wonder ... Subtletimes says... 'Reading your Sir's blog, I'm not sure he really understands how you feel or what you want. He seems very confused and unsure of how to make the situation better (although he wants to...)' ... Seems like pure projection on your part 'sweetie'. Do you think Mark might read this and get off his arse on your behalf, and actually offer you something approaching the domination you say you want? Hmmmh. He isn't able to though, as you fully realise. So where to now?

anna said...

I'm not so good at being patient, but it's probably exactly what is needed here. Patience and distractions.

Big hugs to you.

selkie said...

just thinking of you hun...don't have any wise words; don't have any advice or insight; just want you to know my heart aches for you.

swan said...

I just keep worrying and feeling sort of "lost" for you. I hope that this can resolve and the two of you can find your way to whatever it is that will make you both happy.

hugs, swan

Anonymous said...

When ships are at sea over a period of years, there are always moments where they lose their direction and aren't sure what the proper heading is. Sometimes the seas are stormy and the best you can do is secure the ship and cargo and wait the storm out. And occasionally, challenging moments bring out the best in the crew and spur solutions that had never before been thought of. Take this quiet time for reflection and catching up on other things in life. The distance may bring you new perspectives. In the meantime, feel good about the fact that you are a special person to all of us, and that you have experienced things on your journey that few people ever will.

PK said...

Hugs. To you both.

Chloe said...

Hello...

I was cruising around fetlife today, having never been... Looking for something, anything, about people who were still in a relationship, but things had... Changed... For whatever reason. And you're right - there's nothing out there.

And while I know things have changed in your relationship for different reasons than they have in mine... I shared some of your frustration when you said "how many submissives talk about the shock to the system it is when suddenly with virtually no warning... there are no more rules .. no more protocols.. no more routines to follow."

That's where I find myself, a bit. With no warning, I am "no longer a slave" according to my (former?) Master. He has his reasons, and I'm S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G to put my game face on and do the best I can, because we are still a couple...

But - behind the bravery and the brevity - is me shaking when I don't "have" to text when I leave the house, or say my devotions at night, or even, as silly as it seems, link him to this comment.

No, you and I not in the same situation and I won't pretend we are, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this... It was something I needed to read today, to feel less alone and confused.

~Chloe