Saturday, May 09, 2009

thick skinned..


The comment has been made - several times actually - that i need to be more thick skinned. My new principal has said more than once "if you were more thick skinned" .. but has come to admit i am who i am and growing thick skin would probably change the essence of who i am...

Sir has said (in a different way - but meaning basically the same thing ) that i should be thicker skinned... and i think from time to time He gets frustrated by my lack of interest or ability in growing a thicker skin...

yes i know i do react too easily to outside influences... i do react to screaming/angry parents.. i do react to screaming/angry employees... to drama inducing subbies.....i do react to salespeople and workers and .. well you get the picture.. i react to other people way too much!!!

Sir has tried so hard.. so many times over the 7+ years to toughen me up.. to give me strategies to handle these situations... He has even ordered me to do things..... i try honest i do!!! BUT they don't work - they just aren't me!!!

Now selkie had a theory - in her blog about conditioning and training that made sense to me... IF a slave/sub wants unconsciously to have a certain attribute (shall we say) then her Dominant will be able to train/condition her to perform or exhibit that attribute. (Have i lost you all yet??)

Good example.. my going naked. i couldn't do it.. at all... not even alone in the house .. when i met Sir.... Sir trained me to go naked in the house - alone... and then to strip in front of Him.. and then to strip in front of others..........and i was proud of my acquiescing to His demands - BUT what if i couldn't .... physically could not - come to terms with being naked... would it have happened?? nope probably not.. .Much like Sir's trying to condition me/ train me to do anal play - we have tried and tried and tried.. but there is always something that locks down the body / mind .......

Is it safe for Sir to push.. or any Dominant that is .. to push that lock down of mind and body?? selkie is right when she says it could conceivably cause serious damage to the pysche of the sub..... and does anyone actually want to do that????

ok.. so back to my not being thick skinned....... can someone train me.. condition me.. threaten me.. enough to make me thick skinned??? i honestly and truly doubt it.. because innately it is NOT who i am.....

OH i have learned steps to take to cope better with these outbursts from outsiders... but they still take their toll on me.. Yesterday is a good example.. outburst from employee - i didn't react.. i stayed calm .. dealt with it.... and when it was over.. picked up the phone called Sir..
NOT for reassurances.. not for advice.. just to hear a sane person's voice.. cause outburts are not based on sanity - trust me!!! and non-sane moments tear me into shreds.. in fact.. i find they can be contagious if one is surrounded by these non-sane outbursts regularily

IF i can protect myself from being around non-sane outbursts.. and from drama filled lives then i am gonna do just that! And i think Sir understands this. In itself.. that declaration on my part to remove as much drama .. as many drama creating people from my life as possible... has made me stronger .... not thicker skinned no... but definitely feeling like i am ok... definitely lowering the blips on my emotional radar.. definitely making me OK.

And yeah .. i suppose one could argue that my not learning.. my not following Sir's advice and training .. is very unsub like... makes me a bad sub .. and definitely not a slave......

BUT ya know what?? i like not being thick skinned.. i would rather set up (or have Sir set up) some boundaries to protect me from the outside dramatic forces that drag me down.. and make me feel just a little crazy......... i like that i can create... and have Sir enforce a "no drama " zone around me....... so i can stay just the way i am...


3 comments:

M:e said...

Is it safe to push? Depends on the sub, depends on the dom, depends on the relationship. I don't believe there's a right or wrong answer.

love and hugs xxx

selkie said...

I think an innate sensitivity is something bred in the bone, in the genes, an intrinsic part of who you are. Can it be changed? I believe anything can be changed but at what cost?

The problem arising from trying to alter an intrinsic personality trait is it is seldom possible to just "tweak" it - which means to make you impervious to certain things which now twist your sensitivity button would also make you impervious to other perhaps desirable situations where sensitivity is desired (anticipating needs, compassion, empathy) - and I think can only be done with seriously damaging scarring.

Having an ultra sensitive child who came by it honestly (I've been accused of much the same excess of sensitivity spoken of here), I learned early on that I had to teach her how to protect herself but could not, without changing the essence of her, take away her empathy.

Buffalo said...

The underlying reasons for the reluctance needs to come into play.